Success is the sweetest revenge

When I came to terms with having to reapply to med school last year, I went to my pre-med advisor to ask her about amending my school list from the previous year. This is not the nice advisor I like going to but the one who I'm convinced really dislikes me. Unfortunately, she's the one who knows which medical schools prefer which kind of applicant (or so she says), so I had no choice.

The words, "You should not apply this cycle," "You are at a high risk of dropping out of medical school," and, "If I were an admissions committee member, I would not offer you an interview," all came out of her mouth during the course of our 30-minute meeting. She strongly suggested I take the year off to strengthen my application and apply during the next cycle instead. To say I was surprised would be a huge understatement.

She somewhat had a point. I hadn't done much of anything to improve my application in the year since I submitted the original one. The only real change I made was that I applied early instead of super late, which could be a game-changer in and of itself. But as Ms. D (for Debby Downer) pointed out, my lack of interviews last cycle could definitely be due to a weak application and not because of the tardiness of my submission.

I walked out of that meeting unsure of myself. I hadn't had my world rocked that hard in a very long time, thinking I was doing well when in fact I was told I suck. Part of me thinks she was unnecessarily harsh and didn't need to crush my dreams so much. But there was also some truth to her comments, meaning there was a chance I wasn't going to get accepted the second time around either, which at the time was rather disconcerting.

Now that I have been accepted to medical school, though, I am so glad I didn't let her words discourage me from applying this year. Additionally, I'm glad I didn't listen to her suggestions for my school list, because School E and two other schools I interviewed at this cycle would not have received my application.

In short, Ms. D can suck it. I'm going to medical school!

Old posts popping up

Pardon the old posts that have been published recently. They have been sitting in my drafts folder for a while, waiting for that last perfect sentence to make them whole. Kidding. I just started writing and got distracted before finishing them.

Instead of further adding to those posts, I'm publishing them as they are, on the date that they were originally written. That means they are backdated and don't necessarily go with the flow of what's currently going on in my life.

Enjoy them regardless. They are not any less than the ones that have been published already.

This is really happening!

I'm having wrist surgery soon (I hurt myself again) and as the surgeon and I were discussing my MRI at my pre-op appointment it hit me that in 10 years, I will be in my doctor's shoes: diagnosing patients and then operating on them.* In fact, in 5-6 years I'll be doing some sort of operating with supervision. That's absolutely terrifying.

Ten years is a long time and a lot can happen between now and then. But it's still scary to have a definitive time frame for when I'll be doing doctory things on my own. This is actually happening and it's no longer just a pipe dream. It's crazy.

Also, the highlight of this operation is that I'm just getting a nerve block** instead of general anesthesia so I'll be awake for the whole thing.

I kind of want to ask my surgeon if I can watch. It'll be like shadowing in the OR but better.

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*I'm not set on any particular specialty yet because I'm well aware that it can (and most likely will) change over the next several years. However, based on how I like to do things and the way I think, I'm pretty sure I'll end up in some sort of surgical specialty, or at the very least something heavily procedural.

** More specifically, I'm getting a Bier block, which in and of itself is pretty cool. They take all the blood out of your arm through the use of elastic bandages and gravity, and keep it out with pneumatic tourniquets. Then anesthetic is injected through an IV near the wrist and sets into the tissues for about 20 minutes, at which point the tourniquets are deflated and bloodflow returns to the arm. Or, if the procedure is short enough, then they leave the tourniquets on and operate in a bloodless field. So cool!

I've never been exsanguinated before. This might be my new "Two Thruths and a Lie" truth.

These are a few of my favorite specialties

I know it's way too early to lock myself into a specialty, but since I've been mentioning orthopedics on here a lot, I figured I'd talk about specialty choices more thoroughly.

I have no idea what I'll end up doing about four years from now, but I'm pretty sure I'll either be operating or doing lots of procedures. I'm a fixer and I like being able to see the products of my work.

I've taken a few "How to choose a specialty?" quizzes over the years and the following are nearly always in the top ten (in no particular order):

• Orthopedics
• ENT
• Pulmomary Medicine
• Surgery - General
• Radiology - Diagnostic
• Thoracic Surgery

I'm really curious to see where I'll end up in 4+ years!

I'm in!

I've been accepted to medical school!

As I opened my email to respond to yet another position on a waitlist (from the brain fart school, who didn't see that one coming?), I saw a new message in my inbox. I skipped the subject line and instead read the body of the text first. In all the mumbo jumbo of the first paragraph, it dawned on me that I'd been accepted to medical school.

I had a good feeling about this school since I had a fantastic interview and the post-interview acceptance statistics were in my favor (they take ~75% of the people they interview). But I was cautiously optimistic since I've been burned in the past, and I didn't expect to hear back so soon. So the email caught me off guard.

I was at my volunteer gig at the hospital at the time and I turned to the nurse sitting next to me and cautiously said, "I think I've just been accepted to medical school." I'm sure the confused look on my face wasn't convincing because she asked me to repeat myself. After-all, we had just been talking about the third waitlist I'd received the day before. I was still processing this acceptance so I think the nurses were more excited about this whole thing than I was.

I was simply relieved. I had always believed that I would get into medical school but so far no one that mattered (admissions committee members) had thought the same. So with the acceptance came relief: Relief that someone wanted me at their medical school and even more relief that this terrible process was finally over. As Gwyneth Paltrow said at the Oscars many years ago, "You like me. You really like me!"

Anywhos, I'm super stoked! Not only am I actually going to medical school, but this is also my top choice school (let's call it School E). The former dream school (local med school) has fallen from grace in recent months and was nearly definitively replaced by School E after my interview. Even brain fart school, which had been my top choice this cycle, was knocked down a couple of pegs after that interview. I was simply blown away by School E's program, its students, the city, the culture, everything.

So yeah, life is pretty epic right now.

Planning for the future...again

I'm a planner. I plan what I'm going to do each day and I definitely plan what my future will look like. This obsession with planning makes medical school admissions that much more infuriating since everything is so much out of my control.

Since this cycle is not turning out very well for me, I've begun thinking of the worst case scenario so I can plan my life accordingly. That scenario would be not getting into medical school this year.

I've come up with a plan on how to deal with that and here it is:

Take a couple of years off and reapply. Again.

It's not a very unique plan but one that I'm slowly coming to terms with. I like where I live and I like that my brother lives nearby. I have friends whom I have known for a long time and a life that is very comfortable.

So although I would much rather be in medical school a year from now, the alternative is not too awful and something I am starting to accept.

Another day, another waitlist

The title says it all.

I'm 4 for 4 in terms of interviews leading to waitlist positions, if you include my last cycle. This makes me think that I suck at interviewing (which I sometimes do), but in at least two of those cases I had very little chance of getting in post-interview.

My most recent waitlist decision came from the second school at which I interviewed this cycle. The dean of admissions told us during the interview day that we really only had a 10% chance of getting accepted after interviewing. They just bring in a bunch of people to interview for very few spots in the class.

So yeah, I didn't hold out much hope with this school. It still stings, though, and I'm not any closer to starting medical school in the fall. In fact, I'm down to three schools which can offer me admission, but really only two since I killed my chances of an acceptance at one of them due to a brain fart during the interview.

Let's hope my last interview goes really well because I really don't want to apply yet again.

Other lowlights

There were a couple other hiccups during that interview that make for a good self-deprecating blog post.

For one, when asked about a time I broke a regulation or a rule in a position of responsibility, I said I put a kid in a kayak instead of a row boat during summer camp, which is a big deal for the Boy Scouts (I gave him the context for the situation). I don't think he saw it as that.

Also, in response to a question about what I would do differently in college, I said I would've taken advantage of more opportunities that my undergraduate institution offered, as well as do better in my classes. He summarized that as, "So you'd do more activities," making it sound like I still wouldn't focus on doing well in school given another chance.

Lastly, I told the interviewer that I essentially ratted out a colleague to his supervisors when he said something inappropriate. The only reason I said anything to the higher-ups was because the colleague's comments were a common theme among members of the organization and I wanted to change things overall. I don't think it came off that way.

All in all, I didn't do too terribly and I'm hoping some of my other answers offset the Jehovah's Witness situation and that that comment didn't sink my entire application. I doubt there's any recovering from such a horrendous response, but there's always hope.

On the other hand, my interviewer did say that my interview went well as I shook his hand on my way out of the office. He was probably just letting me down gently.

Epic fail

My interview at the school that is currently at the top of my list was, shall I say, interesting.

The highlight (if you're considering debacle-value) or lowlight (when considering my chances of admission) of the interview came when my interviewer asked what I would do if a kid was bleeding out and his parents were refusing a blood transfusion because they are Jehovah's Witnesses.

Usually I'm really good at these ethical situations but the kid thing threw me for a loop. Parents technically have the ultimate say for the treatment of young kids. But I know there have been court cases that have challenged that, with parents even being prosecuted for letting their kids die by withholding life-saving medical care.

The Jehovah's Witness thing also didn't help since religious beliefs are often protected and get you out of a lot of morally questionable things. But again, religion cannot be an excuse for essentially killing a child who legally can't make decisions for himself.

Based on the title of this post, you can probably guess what I ended up saying. My ultimate answer (once the interviewer pressed me into giving him one, since I avoided answering the question directly by talking around the answer but not making any sort of decision) was that I would honor the parents' wishes.

As soon as that came out of my mouth, I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but it was too late to take it back. The interviewer replied, "So you'd let the kid die." In an attempt to somewhat fix the situation I responded with, "Well, I wouldn't just let him die. I'd do everything in my power to save his life." It clearly wasn't enough as I saw the interviewer scribble "die" in his notes. Not good.

I looked it up afterwards hoping that there was something out there supporting my erroneous position on the matter. Instead, I found that I was wrong in my decision. Dead wrong (pardon the pun).

Apparently, doctors are "obligated to follow federal and state regulations for the care of minors. While regulations vary from state to state, and from institution to institution, children under the age of 18 generally cannot be denied a blood transfusion when it is considered a life saving therapy."

There you have it. I just killed a kid, and I want to be a doctor.

Like I've said before, I do fantastically well during 90% of my interviews. It's those 10% of answers like this one that get me placed on the waitlist, or in this case, most likely rejected.

That's too bad because I really liked this school.

Love or hate

My interview earlier this week went fantastically well. The interviewer was in love with my activities and said she could talk about my application for hours if she could, but we had to get back to the standard interview questions. I hope my answers impressed her sufficiently to get me an acceptance to this school.

Her reaction is in stark contrast to the one I got from my dream school interviewer last cycle. She was very suspicious of the fact that I'm just now deciding on medicine and grilled me on this for several questions. Also, one of my pre-med advisors is super gung-ho about my past while another one has openly said she wouldn't invite me for an interview based on my application.

Apparently, my non-traditional status is either loved or hated by interviewers. There is no in between. Hopefully my next interviewer is in the "love" category because the school I'm about to visit is very high on my list.

Verbal diarrhea

During the student panel at my second interview, I asked if there were a lot of non-traditional students in the class. The 23-year-old second year started talking about all the kids that were her age and that even though three out of the four panelists were older, there were plenty of people in the class that were straight out of undergrad.

I waited until it was polite to interrupt and clarified my question by saying I was in my late 20s*. I then continued on (because I like to babble when I'm nervous) and pointed to the 27-year-olds, telling them I wanted to be their friends. Just like that. While awkward, it was better than what had begun coming out of my mouth, which was that I don't really want to hang out with 22-year-olds all day.

I guess I was stunned that she thought I was straight out of college, which is what prompted the nearly uncontrolled babbling. But I'm really glad I have a filter when it counts.

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*I gave them an actual age, but in a thinly veiled attempt at blog anonymity, I won't be specific about that here.

Pushing through

Monday starts a marathon of interviews, with three in the next ten days or so, and I can't wait for it all to be over.

I'm not very good at selling myself, which probably explains why I've been waitlisted at three out of the four interviews I've attended in the last year (I haven't heard from the fourth, so I could very well be four for four in waitlists). Also, I honestly don't learn any more about the schools while I'm there than what I could get from their website. Visiting these medical schools seems like a colossal waste of money.

I realize that there's a "vibe" I can get and the mythical "fit" that I should look for. But how much can I really get out of spending 24 hours in a city, most of it in transit or at a hotel? And the impression I get of the school is nearly wholly dependent on the attitudes of the individual students that show up to the admissions office on the day of my visit.

All in all, I really hate interviewing. But I need to get rid of this attitude because my future depends entirely on how I present myself to random strangers.

This is the final push*. I just have to make it through the next couple of weeks and I'll be free.

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*While it's very possible that I will get more interview invitations, I'm not really counting on it. I submitted my application fairly early so if I haven't heard back by now from schools, then I've probably been looked over. Hence this being the final push.

Déjà vu

I received a decision from the first school at which I interviewed and...it's a hold.

It seems like it's the equivalent of what happened with the local med school last year in that I haven't been accepted but I'm also not rejected quite yet. From the language of the email, it appears like my application will be reviewed throughout the cycle and if I still haven't been accepted by April/May then I'll either be placed on the waitlist or rejected then.

While I appreciate this school having a bit more transparency than the local med school (it actually told me what's happening with my application instead of staying silent for five months), the results are the same. I'm left waiting without a clear decision one way or the other while this application season drags on.

Woopty doo.

Not nearly as stressed as last cycle

If you couldn't tell from the few pictures I've posted on here, I'm female. Usually, this isn't worth mentioning because we're all the same, with slight differences in anatomy. But when it comes to rugby, women aren't exactly treated as equals. It's very much an old boys club, especially in the referee circles, and women are just now breaking into it. Unfortunately this means that we get shafted based solely on our gender and nothing else.

I've been fighting with the guy who assigns matches in my referee society for many months to get better games so I can improve and advance through the ranks. I haven't gotten anywhere with him and it's reached the point where I really want to quit until I move for medical school and join a different, less dysfunctional referee society.

But I suck at quitting things. So instead, I've been stressing about how the next nine months will shape out, especially since referee elections are coming up soon and therefore, there's a possibility of a change in leadership. When I stress, I dream about my stress, which really doesn't help matters at all.

I asked my roommate what I should do about this because I can't be thinking, dreaming, and obsessing over refereeing all the time. It's draining. Her suggestion: "What about medical school?"

What about it? For some reason, I am so relaxed about this cycle. I have not been stressed more than 5 minutes since I submitted my application in June. There have definitely been times when I've been worried about how this year will shape up, but they haven't lasted long. I have a good feeling about this cycle and the five interview invitations I've received thus far have definitely helped in that respect.

So instead of freaking out about medical school admissions like last year, most of my stress has been channeled to this stupid rugby referee society and its old boys club.

This could all change if none of my interviews turn into acceptances, but for now life is swell at least, with regards to medical school admissions. I hope it stays that way.

Surprise surprise!

Remember that school whose secondary application I almost didn't fill out because its location was so completely wrong for me and there were way too many essays to write?

Reason won out and I ended up submitting it nearly three weeks after receiving the prompts. Good thing I did because....I got invited to interview there!!!

I'm seriously shocked because in applying to this school, I completely overlooked the fact that they invite very few out-of-state applicants to interview. After realizing that fact, I didn't hold much hope for getting any love from them. But I did get love. And it's awesome.

I can't wait to visit and learn more about their program!

Medical school culture

I have an interview coming up in the next few weeks and I'm slowly starting to prepare for it by looking into the school, its curriculum, and things like that. A lot of my friends from high school and college went to medical school all over the country so it's also good to have insider information on some of these schools.

I contacted a friend about the school for this upcoming interview, specifically asking her about the culture within the medical school class. Here is her response:

"Just a warning: med school in general is kinda malignant because everyone is competing against each other and I can't predict what your class will be like. My class was pretty gunner but the class below me was more friendly."

Yikes! This is the complete opposite of the universal "Everyone is awesome!" feeling I got from my first interview as well as the dream school.

Hopefully the reality isn't as bad as her experience.

Interview invitations galore

I may've exaggerated with the title but I do have two more interviews lined up in the coming months. TWO!!! Did you get that?! I'm up to three total at this point. Wowsers!

One came in during my first interview day (it was a nice pick-me-up when I received the email at lunchtime) and the other came in within the last couple of days.

And here I thought it was screwed because my early application submissions hadn't turned into many interview invites. Stupid pre-med neuroses rearing their ugly heads...

Overall, I'm doing a lot better than I was last cycle. Here's to hoping one of these turns into an acceptance!

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Note:
While three interviews may not be that many to most people, I'm pretty excited to be getting any invitations. In fact, at this point last year I had barely submitted my secondary applications and had yet to receive any interview invitations from the schools to which I had applied relatively early in the cycle. So this is rather exciting for me.

Time to start freaking out

My dream school recently started sending out interview invitations. I clearly haven't gotten one yet, otherwise you would've heard about it. Naturally, I'm anxious.

Mostly, I just realized that this particular application is nearly identical to the one that got me waitlisted last cycle. The school's secondary didn't give the opportunity to explain what has changed since my last application and what I will be doing this year during the cycle, like most other schools have. So really, there's not that much new information.

If they didn't want me last year, why should they give me a chance this time around? Ay ay ay! I need to get away from this way of thinking otherwise I will drive myself crazy.

I should stick with my motto (Whatever will be, will be.) and make the best of whatever life throws at me, because I'm truly excited about the possibility of going to the medical school at which I've already interviewed.

Quick note about last week's interview

My interview last week went really well. I had a great time, learned a lot about the school and the area, and can totally see myself spending four years there. I'll post a longer recap later this week or next.

However, during my interview day, I felt totally out of my league. Granted, this is a relatively highly ranked med school, but some of the kids were insane. Comments such as, "This is my fifth interview. I've already been to Yale, Harvard, and Johns Hopkins," as well as, "I'm trying to only schedule one interview each week, and I'm already booked through October," actually occurred throughout the day.

Meanwhile, I quietly ate my lunch, totally psyched to have been invited to interview in the first place, and not mentioning that this was my first and only interview of the season. Or that I'm a reapplicant.

All of this isn't to say that the kids were weird, elitist, or arrogant. The opposite was true. They were all really cool and I had a great time spending the day with them. But it was somewhat weird to be so different from them, not only in age but also in the caliber of my application.

Being hosted by a student for an interview

I'm heading to my interview next week and it's been suggested that I utilize the student host option while I'm there. Honestly, I would prefer to stay in a hotel both nights that I'm visiting, but the hotels in the area aren't cheap. At the same time, I'm too old to sleep on a couch/futon for such an important event, even though I often do that at home.

In the end, I resisted the urge to be antisocial and comfortable, and compromised: I'll spend the night directly before my interview in a hotel on campus, and the following night with a student host on their couch.

It'll be nice to get a perspective on the school and the town from someone who's gone and lived there for a while. That was the motivating factor for finally contacting student hosts so I hope it works out.

The last application cycle in a nutshell

Here is a summary of the last application cycle, by the numbers:

• 32 - Schools to which I applied
• 27 - Schools from which I received a secondary
• 20 - Secondaries I submitted
• 2/2 - Interviews offered/interviews attended
• 2 - Waitlists
• 0 - Acceptances
• 2 - Rejections (both waitlists turned into rejections)
• 7/2 - AMCAS submitted
• 8/7 - AMCAS verified
• 8/17 - Earliest date my application was complete at a school
• 11/12 - Last date my application was complete at a school

All in all, I am very disappointed with how this process ended up for me.

That's the super condensed version. The drawn-out and analyzed version can be found here.

Done with writing

I just submitted the last of my secondary applications. Technically it's the second-to-last one because the dream school hasn't released theirs yet. But as of now, I have nothing looming over my head with regards to writing. And it feels fantastic!

In a nutshell, I applied to 27 schools, received 26 secondaries, and submitted 21 of them*. The five secondaries I didn't submit were mostly too long when compared to my chances of being accepted to those schools. So I put them aside and eventually decided not to fill them out at all.

Now that I'm done, I'm somewhat considering adding more schools since at this point I've written a response to nearly every prompt that could be asked. I currently only have one interview invite, which makes me nervous, so I feel the need to cast my net even wider than I already have.

But I have to remind myself that 21 schools is plenty enough and I should focus on other things such as preparing for my interview and looking for another job. So that's what I'll do after I relax a bit this weekend.

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*This includes the dream school that I haven't received or submitted yet. But they don't screen and I'm filling it out, so it goes in the stats.

Moving on

Both schools at which I'm waitlisted have begun their orientations at this point, so it's safe to say that I've been rejected and won't be starting school this fall.

Luckily, I have an interview I need to be preparing for that keeps my mind off this depressing subject.

I'm striking out with regards to new volunteer and employment opportunities. My medical scribe gig is not getting approved as quickly as anticipated so I don't know when that's going to start. Also, I'm not getting any interviews for the clinical research jobs I've applied for. I think I'm going to start randomly emailing professors looking for a job. It worked last time so maybe it'll be successful with medical research as well.

On the other hand, the tail end of this summer has been rather fun so I'm not in a huge hurry to get either of those things set up. It'd be nice to get them started sooner rather than later, though.

I got an interview invitation!!!

Yup, I'm that excited. I've been getting a little worried about the lack of responses from schools while other people have already been hearing back. But I don't need to worry anymore.

A really good school with really high matriculant statistics has just invited me to interview. This is awesome!

The funny thing is that this is the school that a resident railed on during my dream school Pre-Med Day talk a couple of years ago. Clearly he hated his time there. I'm actually pretty excited to visit.

Polar opposite of what I'm looking for

Since I applied to so many schools this cycle I've been getting a bit burned out with the essay-writing. As I do more extensive research on each school to tailor my responses accordingly, I'm realizing that a few of these places are not going to be good fits for me. So I put those applications on the back burner and get to them whenever I feel like writing more.

One school in particular is causing me lots of anguish with regards to making a decision on whether to finish the application or not.

It's the opposite of my ideal location* in nearly every way: region, weather, topography, and culture. And its secondary application is a beast.

On the other hand, I have a fairly decent chance of being accepted there because my stats are actually competitive. So I can't bring myself to rule it out entirely. Instead, I've been talking myself into finishing all the essays that are required simply for that reason. Beggars can't be choosers.

In order to stay positive about this school, I've been daydreaming (through rose-colored glasses, of course) about what it would really be like to live there. I like to compare it to a new kind of adventure, kind of like living abroad. I mean, I did say I was tiring of my current region so this could be the perfect solution.

So back to writing I go. By the way, I'm currently seven pages into a Word document (single spaced) for this particular secondary. And I still have two more essays to finish for it. A beast, I tell you. A beast.

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*After looking at a school's statistics to see if I even have a chance in hell of having my application not dumped directly into the trash, I've been considering other factors to decide whether to apply there or not. Location is a big one.

Although the school that I mention in this post is on the opposite side of perfect, there is no deal-breaker like the one that made me hate the second school at which I interviewed last cycle. So I'm giving it a chance when schools similar to the other one have been crossed off the list.

Just keep swimming

I'm slowly churning out these secondary essays. Although they're not being done as quickly as I would've liked, all but two have been submitted within two weeks of being received by me. That's not too shabby.

At this rate, I should have nearly everything done by August 1st. That's not "very early" in the cycle as I had planned, but it's a significant improvement from last year.

No way...

I just got an invitation to complete a secondary application from a school that heavily screens its applicants and takes very, very few out-of-state people. That's shocking.

I didn't get this invitation last cycle, so it looks like I'm already doing better this time around. There's hope!

Why I didn't get accepted last cycle

A commenter asked today why I think I didn't get in last cycle so here is my very long-winded (as always) explanation.

I believe there are several reasons for my many rejections, in order of effect on my application:

1. Late submission of secondary essays
2. Bombing interviews
3. Low GPA, both cumulative and science
4. Insufficient activities (up for debate)

Late submission of secondary essays:
The most significant one is the first: my applications were complete very, very late. I was verified by AMCAS by the first week of August, which is actually still fine. However, I took my time submitting my secondary essays and that's what really cost me.

Most of them were submitted in mid-September, meaning my application wasn't complete until October or even November. By that point, many interview invitations had already been given out and I was competing with more applicants for fewer spots. Not good odds with my numbers.

Bombing interviews:
I did receive two interview invitations and both of them resulted in waitlist positions. These were the two schools at which I submitted my secondary applications relatively early (within two weeks of receipt of them and complete by mid- to late August). That supports my theory that as long as you submit before Labor Day, you have a decent chance of getting interview invitations.

As for why they resulted in waitlists, the reasons differ for each school. I bombed the first interview at which I actually had a very good chance of getting accepted had it gone well (2 in 1 odds). It was my first interview, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and I had a lot riding on it (it was and still is my dream school).

As a result, I was off my game. I expressed excitement at the wrong moments, such as when talking about my hobbies instead of describing my passion for medicine; some of my answers weren't phrased well and thus either weren't convincing or came off as naive; and I just didn't lay on enough charm.

I thought my second interview went really well, given the interviewers I was paired with. But the school doesn't take many out-of-state applicants as it is, had over-accepted people the year before (they had to give a few students incentives to defer for one year) and as a result accepted fewer people in general. Thus, it was a perfect storm for placing me on the waitlist.

Low GPA, both cumulative and science
Now onto my actual application. I didn't take school seriously as an undergraduate and my transcript reflects that. I literally have every grade my school offered, from A to F (including +s and -s), a W here and there, as well as a Pass for Pass/Fail courses. This resulted in sub-3.00 cumulative and science GPAs. Yeah, I did a number on my future during those four years.

I went back to school a couple of years ago to take pre-requisite classes since I had only completed a few of them in undergrad (thank God!) before dropping the pre-med thing back then. I managed to do a fair amount of GPA repair because I rocked them.

Unfortunately, I was a science major in undergrad but fortunately most of my major classes weren't classified as BCPM (Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Math) by AMCAS. This resulted in me being able to raise my science GPA nearly to 3.50.

My cumulative GPA remains at ~3.10, which is well below the 10th percentile at most schools. There is no amount of classes I can take to make my cumulative GPA competitive so I've stopped trying to raise it. Instead, I've applied mostly to schools that take a holistic approach to applicants and I hope they see past my immaturity from nearly a decade ago.

It also helps that I have a high MCAT score (36R) and have performed extremely well in upper-division biology and chemistry classes. It definitely eases the concerns of admissions committees about my ability to perform in medical school. So this may not be that big of a factor as long as a human lays eyes on my application.

Insufficient activities (up for debate)

This is where the answer isn't very clear-cut. I either have a really strong application or I shouldn't bother applying until I strengthen it. Depends on whom you ask.

Luckily, my committee letter writers are in the first boat otherwise I wouldn't have been offered any interviews last cycle. On the other hand, other well-respected people said they wouldn't have given me an interview even if I was the first application they saw. In their minds, my activities are too old, too impersonal, and I'm not productive enough with my spare time.

There is some merit to these concerns, especially now that I'm a reapplicant, so I'm fixing those areas in case I have to reapply yet again. I really hope it doesn't come to that but from some discussions with people, it's a legitimate concern.

Now onto the writing

My application was just verified by AMCAS and will be sent to medical schools beginning now. So I'm really only five days behind the super early birds. Not too shabby.

And so begins the mad essay writing...right before the 4th of July weekend. Good thing most of these are already pre-written so there's not too much work on my end.

Secondary essays, version 2.0

My primary application is days away from being sent to medical schools so within the next week or so I will have a buttload of essays to submit, with prompts such as, "How would you contribute to our medical school class?" and "What's the greatest challenge you have faced?"

I remember being so burnt out with this process last year that the thought of putting another word on paper (or, more accurately, typing it on my computer) was incredibly repulsive. It honestly took me about an hour to write "the perfect" sentence, which isn't so perfect now that I read over it a year later. There's lots of revising to do.

The biggest thing I've learned from this process is to tailor my answers to the mission and priorities of each medical school. Some schools are service-based and others are research-based so I need to emphasize those qualities in my essays depending on which school I'm applying to.

I have a lot of these essays to write (my current list is 24 schools long), but I'm definitely looking forward to them more than I did last year. This doesn't mean I want to write anything, because I actually really detest writing when there's something riding on my responses.

I'm excited to see where my application takes me, because I have a legitimate shot at getting interviews this time around. Hurray for starting early!

The shame of reapplying

I read an article today about how to structure an application as a reapplicant and it pretty much negates everything I thought I should do.

I personally am ashamed of not getting accepted to medical school last cycle and having to reapply this year. I cringe every time I have to tell somebody that I didn't get in. So I thought it'd be best to pretend that chapter of my life didn't occur. By that I mean, there is no mention of me being a reapplicant anywhere in my application (well, except for the box I have to check saying I'm reapplying).

Apparently, though, sometimes reapplying is looked upon favorably by admissions committees. It shows you're resilient and persistent and really want to pursue medicine as a career. I don't know how that's not evident from the fact that I practically quit my job a couple of years ago, spent thousands of dollars and hours on pre-requisite courses, and kicked butt in my classes and on my MCAT. But I guess I have to put that in words instead of showing it through my activities.

I've already submitted my primary application so there is no changing my personal statement. It would've been the perfect concluding paragraph. However, I have a second chance at communicating my persistence and resilience in the form of secondary applications. I'm sure I can find a way to mention this in most prompts so I still have a chance to let schools know I'm better for going through that experience.

I'm just glad I stumbled upon that article before I submitted all my materials and not after. All is not lost quite yet.

My true feelings

I've been trying to remain cheery/not slip into depression about this cycle and my position on two waitlists, but this blind optimism is slowly slipping away. Also, enough people read this blog that I should say something about what's truly going on in my head instead of leaving you to wonder and read between the lines.

I'm pissed off.

That's the best emotion I can think of to describe my state of mind.

I'm so angry with myself for screwing up my dream school interview, which I'm convinced cost me an acceptance. I'm also mad that I took so long to send in my secondary applications last cycle, because if I had done them promptly then maybe I would've had a "practice" interview elsewhere prior to my dream school and I would've been better prepared. And then maybe, just maybe, I would be matriculating in August.

But mostly, I'm pissed off that I will be spending another full year wasting time and willing it to pass faster.* After all my applications are sent in, there is nothing for me to do but wait. And I hate waiting. I wait all day for my friends to finish work so I have human contact. I'm so tired of this kind of existence that I look forward to my weekly physical therapy (I hurt myself again), which in another life I would call physical torture.

So yeah, I'm angry.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike to dissipate some of my anger and/or channel it into physical suffering. At least that'll kill some time.

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*This is if I don't get another job in the near future, which is the worst case scenario. I'm looking but it's really hard to get a job these days, especially if you misspell your hypothetical future boss' name on the cover letter. Yup, I did that. It didn't help the feeling of anger, and was the inspiration for this blog post.

Another Hail Mary

After speaking with my pre-med advisor (Ms. E) about my dream school a couple of weeks ago, I was slightly discouraged about the impact of my love letters on my acceptance status at my dream school. This advisor is tight with the admissions committee so I trust her advice on this matter.

Ms. E pretty much said that although the dean of admissions had stated during my interview day to send the school updates, which was a departure from their policy from previous years, the admissions committee doesn't actually read them at all. That's straight from the only remaining admission's committee member's mouth (the rest of the committee has left for other jobs at this point). So I somewhat believe this.

Ms. E mentioned that it probably wouldn't hurt to write them something but if I didn't, then I wouldn't be shooting myself in the foot all that much. So I've held off on writing because I've been busy with finishing up my AMCAS application for the new cycle and pre-writing secondary essays. And honestly, I don't have that much more to say.

But then I realized that since the initial love letter in late March and a short email in early May, I haven't communicated with the school in a long time. Considering that they're taking people off the waitlist slowly as spots open up with most acceptances coming in June and the month being half-way over, I should let them know that I'm still very much interested.

So today I've been brainstorming like crazy and finishing up a Hail Mary letter of sorts to send out to my dream school by the end of the weekend. I honestly don't think it'll have any impact on my status but it will put my mind at ease. Well, kind of.

I shouldn't have sat on this for so long, much like I should have sent out my secondary applications and the initial love letter a lot sooner. Tardiness appears to be the theme for this application cycle. No bueno.

Submitted and excited

I just submitted my application to AMCAS for round 2 of trying to get into medical school and I'm kind of excited. I generally do much better with everything the second time around so I'm very hopeful that this will be the year*.

Also, I'm kind of annoyed and bored with my current city/state/region so the idea of possibly moving to another part of the country is incredibly thrilling. I'm kind of a nomad and get restless when I've spent a lot of time in one place, so five years here is plenty and I'm looking forward to going elsewhere.

It helps that I'm not entirely dreading writing more secondary essays or cover letters, so reapplying is not nearly as daunting as it was even a couple of months ago. Oh, what a difference a year of relaxation makes!

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*This only applies if I don't get in off the waitlist, of course, for which my chances are slowly dwindling. In general, I no longer quite believe I will start medical school in August so I've really started thinking about what I will be doing for the next year instead. And I'm getting super excited about the possibilities.

Looking for other work

Since it's a very real possibility that I will have to spend another year applying to medical school, I've decided to be productive with my time and not "relax" like I did this past year. This has very little to do with my future application and/or bettering my resume, because I sincerely hope I don't have to go through this process three times. That would suck. Instead, it has everything to do with my sanity.

My current job is pretty awesome...on paper. I have ridiculous flexibility with my hours and the work is challenging enough for me. However, it has nothing to do with medicine and I spend most of my time alone, either on my laptop at home or in my dungeon of an office.

I call it a "dungeon" because it's in the basement of the chemical engineering building and my desk is separated from the deserted lab space by a cage door/wall combination. I don't even get a real wall.

It's kind of like this, except jankier, sans female model (that would mean there are other people down there), and from the 70s with many holes that have been fixed by soldering:

In other words, I can't imagine spending another year doing what I'm doing. I crave human interaction, which is part of the reason I'm returning to medicine, and I want to do something that will advance my future career even if I have to start as a research underling. The skills I'm learning now have very little application to any sort of medicine or medical research I may ever envision doing. Oh, and our funding got cut due to the sequestration, so I may not even have a job come September.

So I've been applying for other jobs, which means even more writing, and you know how much I love doing that. Cover letters are even worse than secondary essays, for the record. I also can't help but think that all this effort I'm putting into plans for next year (job and school applications) is for naught because I may still get in off the waitlist. All this writing for nothing...hopefully.

Mostly, I'm looking for something in clinical research (definitely not bench work) and there have been postings popping up here and there. It's actually fortuitous timing because most people that hold these jobs have applied to medical school and are going to be starting in mid-summer/early fall. So more positions should open up.

The only real downside to these clinical research jobs is that I'm looking at a 1-hour commute to work and another hour back since the nearest major medical center is that far way. Well, that and having a legitimate 9 to 5 that I can't leave for Happy Hour on a whim is a slight bummer, since it's a situation I haven't had in a while (I've been fortunate with my job choices).

There would be some things to give up but I think if the position was a good fit, it would totally be worth it. I would have to make sure that I'd be participating in real research at least part of the time instead of just answering phones and coordinating emails, because that's the kind of job I currently have and I'm not willing to give that up quite yet. So that would be something I'd have to ask during my interview, if I were to get one. If it turns out to be more office work than research, then I'd stick with my current job, keep looking for others, and pick up a shift or two as a medical scribe to give myself something to do during the day.

Speaking of things to do, that's another problem with my life right now: I have no reason to get up in the morning. Like, there's nowhere I have to be and nothing I have to do. While this life is fun for a while, I can't deal with it for extended periods of time and I would love nothing more than having to be somewhere every weekday. I say that now, but a few months in, if I do get hired somewhere, I may be singing a completely different tune.

Nearly ready to reapply

I'm nearly done with my AMCAS application, with just the personal statement left to edit. So that's going to be submitted early next week. I'm not taking any chances this time around so I'm getting everything in as soon as possible (application submission opens on Tuesday).

I still have to decide on my list of schools because it's not going to be the same as last year. To send your application in to get verified*, you only need to specify one school at first and then you can add others later. So I'm going with the dream school for now, and if I still haven't been accepted off of the waitlist by late June, then I'll add the others.

Anywhos, after hating the second school at which I interviewed, I've reconsidered my criteria for choosing medical schools. Some have been cut, while others have been added. Since I wrote a lot of secondary essays last year, I can reuse most of the content from them this time around, with some editing and adding of sentences.

So new schools that I'm iffy about (not entirely excited about applying there, but there's something that makes me want to send in my application) have to have at least some overlap with the answers I've already written otherwise they get cut. I can't write too many brand new essays, as I found out last year, so I'm keeping the number to a minimum while still applying broadly.

Speaking of writing, once this AMCAS is submitted I'm going to start working on the secondaries** in anticipation of getting slammed with requests come early July. I need to get them in within a week of receiving the prompts otherwise I'll have the same results as this cycle, which were not so hot.

So in a week, the real writing begins.

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*For AMCAS you have to have all of your grades "verified" by the medical school admissions people. They make sure you've entered them correctly on the application and correct anything they feel is wrong. This takes anywhere from one day to 6+ weeks, depending on when you submit your application. Obviously, the earlier, the better, so I'm going to submit mine on the first day to get verified quickly and then I'll add other schools when I make up my mind about them.

Also, this application doesn't get passed on to medical schools until the last week of June, so I have time between now and then to add more schools to my list. Adding other schools doesn't slow down your application, nor does it require another verification. Even though I only have to fill out one primary application that goes to most schools, I have to pay for each school individually. So in order to save money on the off-chance that I get accepted off of the waitlist, I'm only going to pay for one school for now in order to get verified and add others when/if it becomes clear that I really do have to go through another application cycle.

**There's a sub-forum on SDN that has prompts for each school from previous cycles. Most schools don't change these prompts so I can pre-write my secondary answers before I even get invited to do so. Obviously, sometimes these change, but for the most part they remain the same year-to-year. So if I do have to completely rewrite my answers, there's only one or two additional essays required instead of the 25 I would normally have coming at me at once.

Cheering people's withdrawals

Throughout this application cycle, I've blocked all my friends who are applying to medical school from my Facebook feed. It would just frustrate me to hear about their progress while nothing was happening with me.

During a moment of Facebook weakness, I found out that one of the people with whom I did my post-baccalaureate had been accepted to my dream school and another awesome school elsewhere. Ever since my second waitlist decision came, I've been going to his profile to see which school he'd chosen. Today, he announced that he's matriculating at the other awesome school.

I threw my hands into the air and cheered. Literally.

While I'm happy that he's happy with his decision, I'm more stoked that he won't be attending my dream school. Now I need a few hundred more people to withdraw so they might actually take me off the waitlist.

AMCAS, Round 2

AMCAS (the medical school application) opened up on Wednesday and since I currently don't hold any acceptances to a medical school, I've begun filling it out to be ready to submit on June 4th as a reapplicant.

For the most part, it's so much easier than last time around. All the fields are pre-filled with last year's information, including my personal statement. I'm going to do some editing on that so it won't be identical, but it's kind of great that I don't have to add in any of my grades again. I'm old; I've attended a lot of schools and taken a fair amount of classes.

There are only two major differences between this year's application and last year's:

1. A more specific estimation of my parents' income growing up is required. Last year the upper cut-off was low enough so I didn't need to be specific because we were above it. But this year there are categories of income in increments of $25,000 that go up to half a million or something ridiculous like that. So the parents have had to go through their finances to figure out a good average since their salary varied widely from my birth to my adulthood.


2. The activities section now asks for total hours per activity instead of hours per week. For some things like clinical volunteering or shadowing, this method is preferable to give the admissions committee a good sum of hours. But for other activities like sports or jobs, it doesn't really work out because it's highly inaccurate to approximate 10 years of playing rugby.
   
   Also, the upper limit for total hours is 999 per activity so anything over 1000 cannot be entered accurately. I've started putting in the hours per week in the activity description if I haven't exhausted the character limit, which kind of makes up for that deficiency.

So that's that. The deadline for applicants from last cycle to decide on a single school and thus withdraw from all other schools they've been accepted to is quickly approaching (May 15th) so there should be "significant" waitlist movement in the coming weeks. And that means I can start getting anxious about checking my email really soon.

Since I wrote the really long "I love you" update letter to my dream school at the end of March, I'm going to go for a simple "Remember that I still love you" email this time around. If I still don't hear anything by early/mid-June, I'll send them another love letter but right now I can't think of anything of substance to add to that letter. So it'll have to wait.

Also, I've started planning my summer as if I was matriculating in the fall, at least with my big trip that involves international air travel. I've been saying that I'd visit my family abroad (I'm foreign) for the past four years and each summer something has come up so that I haven't been able to make it. This year I've promised myself that nothing is going to get in the way of my visit so even though July is not the best time for them, it is the only guaranteed month I'll be able to go regardless of what happens with school.

Everything else summer-wise, like music festivals and races, can be booked/bought in June/July when I have a better idea of what the next year will bring for me. Overall, I've come to terms with having to wing most of my summer activities, which is not ideal but such is life.

Preparing for what's next

I've talked to a bunch of friends, family, and coworkers about my waitlist status and I love how they are so unanimously optimistic about my chances of still getting in, because I sure am not. They're all empty hopes that have no foundation so I smile, nod, and thank them for their confidence in me. And I agree with them when they say, "At least you weren't rejected." Gotta love blind optimism!

The best advice I've been given thus far has been to prepare to reapply and plan my life accordingly. I need to stop putting off making summer plans in the hopes of getting accepted this year, and instead I should live my life the way I would have if I'd been rejected outright. On the off chance that I do end up accepted then I'll rearrange my plans accordingly, but for now I need to live life. And so I have.

It helps that I just got back from an incredibly relaxing 2-week vacation and the things causing stress in my life (not medical school related) have been resolved for the most part. I notice myself repeating "Such is life" and "It is what it is" a lot these days so I think I've simply ceased to care about the minutiae and have accepted everything for what it is.

I've become optimistic and happy regarding my current situation and my future in general, and I'm much more excited about the prospect of medical school, even if I have to wait another cycle for it. When I applied last year I was so burned out from life that the thought of dealing with applications and selling myself at interviews was too much to handle. I'm pretty sure that sentiment was conveyed through my essays and answers to interviewers, which didn't help my cause. But now I'm much more relaxed and ready for the beast that is the process of applying to medical school.

With the approach of May, I need to start requesting transcripts and sending out drafts of my personal statement to get edited so that I'm ready to submit my AMCAS application on June 4th (the first possible day for submission). There are a few activities I need to update but overall, there's really not much I need to do the second time around.

I have a very good idea of what has brought me to this point in my life and the motivations behind my decisions in the past. Going through this process once already has prepared me for the types of questions and answers I should expect, and the best way to convey my interest and passions in writing and in person.

Honestly, I'm not dreading going through this cycle a second time, which is the opposite sentiment of most reapplicants. Most people say they would never wish another medical school application cycle on anyone. As an older applicant, I have some perspective on what really matters in life and in the grand scheme of things, reapplying isn't very high on my "awful shit I have to go through" list. Yeah, it sucks and given the choice I would've preferred to get in the first time around (duh), but it's not the end of the world and I'll come out of it a better person.

At least that's what I'm saying now. We'll see how my tune changes a year from now if I still haven't gotten in by the second go around.

Waitlisted...again

Well, this sucks.

Second interview recap

I realized I never wrote up a recap of my second interview, so here it goes. It's a beast and took me a few days to write because there was just so much to say. So bear with me. It was an eventful day.

One week

I will know my fate at the dream school for sure in one week. I may hear back sooner, but definitely not later and I'm half relieved and half scared.

There are two ways to think about the fact that they're still sitting on my application:

1. They like me enough that they just can't bring themselves to reject me outright.
2. They can't find a good enough reason to accept me to their incoming class.

Neither of these reasons is all that reassuring but at least I haven't been rejected yet.

Mostly, I have a feeling I'm going to end up on the waitlist, with a slightly smaller possibility of a rejection and an even smaller chance of an acceptance. At least that's how I'm setting myself up for the next week so I won't be too crushed when the inevitable happens.

In a last-ditch effort to swing the admissions committee in the direction of accepting me, I've sent them a love letter/update mix. It's neither one nor the other, but rather a combination of a letter of interest and an update since I don't have enough new things going on in my life to send the update as a stand-alone but I wanted to say something before my fate is sealed.

I think it may be too little too late but it makes me feel like I've done everything in my power to get an acceptance. I'll let you know how it goes.

Limbo is not conducive to life planning

I still don't know if I'll be attending medical school in the fall or if I will be reapplying and thus will have another year of relative freedom/little structure. While I've become accustomed to the waiting aspect of the application cycle, I'm still adjusting to having to hold off on making any concrete plans past mid-July.

I've always been a planner so the huge question mark where my future should be is mildly irritating. There are a few things coming up in late August through mid-September that I would really like to do. So although I know I'll be in the area for sure because I'll either be attending the local medical school or staying put to reapply, I have no idea if I'll have the time to do them due to a little time-sucking thing known as anatomy. And I can't imagine I'll be able to go out of town for a whole weekend in the midst of that block.

Mostly, I like to pay early bird prices for things and although it's not the end of the world that I have to wait a few months to figure out what I'll be doing in September, the added cost of indecision hurts my soul.

But more seriously, I can't give my boss concrete dates for when I'll be available for the deployment to Alaska this summer, which messes with his trip-planning and budgeting as well. I'm also going to visit my family across the pond in June/July/August (I'm foreign) so making any sort of camping plans with them and finding time between the deployment and a wedding to go over there is nearly impossible right now. Since they have kids and jobs and other vacation plans that don't include me, it'd be nice to give them some advance warning regarding my arrival.

Yes, these are all frivolous and trivial concerns compared to the big unknown regarding my future, but I've been trying to stop thinking about that and instead focus on the things that make me happy, which usually require planning and thus the problem of limbo.

I also have nothing to report medicine-wise since not much is happening in that department, so you get these kinds of posts instead.

Exciting non-medical school news

The dream school is still stringing me along like a bad relationship so I have no news on that front. I've been avoiding the school-specific thread on SDN until I hear back from them, which should be any day now, because reading other people's results just stresses me out and gives me no information on my particular application. And I don't really need any more stress in my life.

Instead of thinking about medical school admissions, I've been getting on with my life. I have a ridiculous amount of things planned between now and July and I'm getting pretty excited about what the next few months have to offer. I've become more serious about refereeing (my first big match is tomorrow...I'm terrified) and I've started to take care of myself by learning new recipes and getting outside more often.

But most excitingly, the group with which I work is planning a deployment to northern Alaska this summer and my boss recently asked me if I'd like to go because they could really use my help on-site. Prior to getting this invitation, I had planned on quitting my job before this expedition and enjoying the summer on my own terms if I was matriculating in the fall, or providing remote support from our home office if I had to reapply and keep the job for another year.

Obviously the first option was more appealing on so many levels, but the opportunity to go on this trip throws a very interesting wrench in the plans. A deployment to Alaska is not something I can just pass up, so regardless of my medical school situation it looks like I'll be spending at least part of the summer in a hangar above the Arctic Circle.

The only pseudo-problem with this trip is that the dates could overlap with my hypothetical medical school orientation and I would only be able to make it for two weeks or so before having to get back to the real world. But everything is still up in the air so there's no reason to worry about things I can't control. For all I know, the dates could work out in my favor and I will have stressed for nothing. Or I could not go at all.

So, as with most things lately, I'm cautiously optimistic about this deployment. But if I don't get into medical school this cycle, there is a very fun silver lining to spending another year reapplying. So there's that.

Waitlisted...a good thing?

I got a letter today (snail mail style) saying I've been put on the waitlist at the second school at which I interviewed. You would think I'd be pretty bummed about this, but it's actually a good thing.

What I haven't put on this blog is that I really didn't like the school when I visited it. I hated it so much that I'd been seriously considering withdrawing from it prior to receiving a decision, but the thought that this school might be my only chance at an MD has kept me from sending that email to the admissions office.

I've been heavily weighing my options for the past few days thinking I had one more week to make the choice between withdrawing or not because a friend of mine who interviewed a week before me received their decision yesterday. But it looks like they lumped all of the December interviewees into one committee session so the decision has been made for me, which is a relief in a way.

Now I just wait on the dream school, although with the way this cycle is going for me, it's not looking good. At least I've been primed for disappointment.

Dwindling chances

Another batch of people just got accepted to my dream school, with most of them having interviewed early in the cycle like I did (October/November) so I guess they're still sitting on a lot of applications. Prior to this group of acceptances, the school had only given out ~1/3 of the spots it would offer this cycle. I'm not sure how many were offered this past week but it seems like there's still a large chunk of people that will be accepted. At least that's the expectation. And hearing that people who interviewed early are still being reviewed and accepted gives me some hope, albeit very little of it.

I'm in this weird head space right now where I'm convinced that I will have to reapply next cycle but at the same time I can't believe that I won't get in. It's like one part of me is rooted in the reality of the situation but there's still the dreamer that's holding out hope.

Also, I've been feeling very down lately because I recently realized that nothing good has happened to me in well over a year. This is not to say that my life has been crappy, because it hasn't been like that for the most part. It's just that all the things I'd planned for myself as a reward/pleasure have backfired mightily and none of the things that have occurred spontaneously in my life have been good. So overall I'm situated at the negative end of the spectrum of happiness and it kind of sucks.

With this recent realization regarding my state of being, it's very hard to comprehend that good news will come to my door (or inbox) with regards to medical school admissions. If I do get accepted to the dream school, it'll be a very pleasant surprise because I'm setting myself up for epic failure.

If you set your expectations low, you'll never be disappointed. Or so they say.

Right now, life is good

I tend to write when I'm feeling extreme emotions and the bad has outweighed the good lately, which has been reflected in the tone of the blog. So with all these doom and gloom posts dominating for the past month or so, I figured one positive post was in order.

For a good 90% of the day, my life is pretty awesome*. I still work only part-time (at my request) so I have plenty of hours in the day to relax, read, and hang out. When I do work, I make a significant contribution to my team's current project and I can see the progress directly.

I've begun playing the guitar, learned to ride a unicycle, took a rugby refereeing course, and am currently participating in four sports leagues. I'm going home to visit my parents for ten days in February, after having spent over two weeks with them during the holidays. I can work remotely so I don't even use vacation days for this.

I also wasn't lying to my dream school interviewer when I said that volunteering at the hospital is the highlight of my week. With the extra time on my hands, I am able to pull longer shifts and come in more often, which makes me very happy. My charge nurse gives me a great deal of responsibility and the work I do is necessary, so I look forward to it every week and absolutely love my time there.

And although I don't do any real medicine at the moment, I can see myself in the physicians I "work" with and I am SO excited to be there one day. It's days like last Thursday that make me realize that I have made the absolutely correct decision to return to medicine and I am so incredibly thrilled to some day serve my patients in a more medical capacity.

All in all, I'm taking full advantage of the ridiculous amount of free time at my disposal because I know it won't be like this for much longer.

Like I said in the title, life is good right now.

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*The other 10% of my day is consumed by stress, whether it's dreaming about being rejected from my dream school, anxiously checking my email when I wake up in the morning, or wracking my brain about how I could've interviewed better as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Once I'm fully awake and in control of my emotions, I'm good and carefree. But as soon as I let my mind wander, all hell breaks loose up there.

Rejection scare

I have very realistic dreams to the point where I often have to ask other people if we've had certain conversations that I'm convinced occurred but my friends don't remember. Sometimes this works to my advantage in that I can practice an important speech or event while I'm sleeping and all parties involved react like they normally would, which gives me instant feedback on how I should interact in a given situation.

But sometimes things don't go my way and I wake up with a terrible feeling of dread, which is no way to start a day. Unfortunately, this happened early last week.

I very vividly dreamt that my dream school sent me a rejection email. Since I knew that this school sends out only acceptances and no other decisions until about March, I figured that I was dreaming and my mind was playing evil tricks on me. So I "woke myself up" from this nightmare only to "discover" that the email was still in my inbox. After a bit of "sitting on my bed with my head in my hands", I woke myself up for real and a sense of dread washed over me, which was eventually followed by relief upon realizing that this had simply been a terrible dream.

The whole thing was so realistic that it was scary. The process of checking my email and the program I use were identical to how this really unfolds on any given morning, and I felt all the feelings that I imagine I would feel if I were to get rejected (it could still happen, and if it does, I'll let you know if I'm correct in my prediction).

What got to me the most was one line towards the end of this fictitious letter that said, "Although we cannot offer you a spot in our class, you are a fantastic candidate and I am confident you will be accepted to one of your other top choices." (I had met with the admissions officer one-on-one earlier in my dream as a sort of favor and last-ditch effort by my pre-advisor who knew the adcom well, hence the personal nature of the rejection.)

I've heard similar words before. My pre-med committee called me "the ideal career changer" in my letter of recommendation and told me in no uncertain terms that they'd be shocked if I didn't get in this cycle. So it's not just in my head that I am a qualified applicant for medical school.

If I were to get rejected by my dream school, then there is no other school willing to take me at this point, contrary to what my fake adcom predicted. That's devastating, both in my dream world and in real life. And devastation was the feeling that was so painful when I first woke up...until I realized it had all been a horrible mind trick.

All in all, I know that there is no guarantee of getting accepted anywhere and I honestly didn't think I'd do too well this application cycle because of my poor grades in undergrad. But I expected more than the two paltry interviews I've received thus far, and most disconcertingly, no decisions this late in the cycle with no prospects of any other interviews coming my way. So although some might think I'm good (or at least good enough), clearly the people that matter don't think the same way. And that's discouraging but also incredibly humbling.

What's most infuriating about all this is that as much as I try to forget the fact that I'm applying to medical schools right now because it completely stresses me out, my subconscious just won't let it go.

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ETA: Ever since this initial dream, I've been having adcom dreams nearly every night. These are the first dreams I've had about medical school this entire cycle and I think it's because the deadline to worry, per my pre-med advisor, is quickly approaching. I'm fine at managing my stress level during the day, but apparently at night my will-power all but disappears.

Coming to terms with the possibility of reapplying

I've been really worried about the prospect of reapplying because I really don't want to wait another year to get started on my dream. I've already put it off long enough and I'm kind of over waiting for my life to begin.

But much like one eventually goes through the five stages of grief after a tragic event*, on my Things-Out-Of-My-Control Scale I have made it through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to eventually arrive at not-giving-a-sh!t, or as others would call it, acceptance. (My way of dealing with stress directly mirrors the typical stages of grief and ever since I've figured this out, it's made managing my stress so much more...manageable.)

I've only received two interviews. The first one didn't go very well in my opinion and the second school has a very low out-of-state acceptance rate, even post-interview. So it's not looking good for me this cycle.

Before the holidays I paid a visit to my pre-med advisor (the one who's the most positive of the three because I needed a pick-me-up) to discuss my options for the coming year and how I should improve my application if I do have to reapply.

She boosted my ego by saying I have the "ideal career changer application" and thus there aren't any gaping holes to fix, and that my late secondary submissions are most likely to blame for my lack of interview invitations. She also said that there's a surge of interview invites in December and January so I shouldn't start worrying until February about hearing crickets from medical schools.

In addition, if I do end up reapplying, I learned that I don't have to completely revamp my application because schools understand that a good applicant can be rejected simply due to submitting secondaries late in the game, and such rejections do not necessarily indicate a red flag in the application. So overall, my themes and ideas can remain the same, but I just need to edit my essays a little more and add some things to my existing activity descriptions that I've done in the past year.

As such, reapplying is not as daunting of a task as I thought it would be with regards to essay-writing so that definitely helps my psyche. This also doesn't make it seem nearly as bad as I believed it would be when the thought first crossed my mind.

The one thing I am concerned about, though, is my dream school because I wasn't late in submitting my primary or secondary application there by any means. Thus I believe that the only reason I wouldn't get in would be because I bombed the interview. So maybe I should change up my application to make it stronger for them. Or I should simply pick a different topic for my secondary answer if/when I get a second chance. Or kicking butt on the interview the second time around if I do get such an opportunity would be enough to tip the scales in my favor.

I don't know at this point. I'm speculating too much on matters I have no idea about or control over and I should just stop for my own sanity.

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*I don't know why I've mentioned death/sad stuff so much in the past couple of posts. It's probably because I've spent too much time with my parents. Every time they ask me if I knew someone, it's a safe bet that the next thing out of their mouths will be, "They have cancer." Or, "They died." Just last week I found out that my dad's coworker was killed in a motorcycle accident. Morbid conversations run in the family.