Resentment

These last few weeks have been rough, school- and stress-wise. I have a lot to do and my future is riding on how I perform on these finals and the MCAT. As such, I've been physically and mentally holed up in my room or in the office trying to be productive so I can be awesome, while everyone around me seemingly doesn't have a care in the world.

Take Cinco de Mayo, for example. I had a biochemistry final at 7:30pm that night, so I was trying to cram in the last details of random mechanisms and regulatory pathways before the exam.

What were my neighbors doing?

This:

That is indeed a living room in the yard, complete with a showing of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" on one TV and a Super Nintendo console with Super Mario on the other.

I, too, am in this photo taking a study break, but I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy the "holiday" as it should be celebrated. It's hard to have that kind of fun with an exam looming over my head in a couple of hours.

(Side note: What is it with finals/exams on major rugby holidays? An evening final on Cinco de Mayo and another evening exam on St. Patrick's Day? Blasphemy!)

I know that the path towards medicine isn't the easiest one to take and there will be plenty more times when I just can't live as carefree a life as the people around me. This was a major reason for dropping the pre-med thing in undergrad and pursuing a different career. But in going back to school for pre-med prerequisites, I realized I'd much rather work hard in medicine than work a little less hard at a job that doesn't ignite the same passion in me as medicine does. That was (and is) my choice and I think it's definitely the right one for me.

This also isn't to say that medicine is the only profession where one has to sacrifice some things for a successful career. My friends bust their butts during the week to make this sort of relaxing Saturday a possibility, and they are often out of town on weekends for work. So it's not all unicorns and rainbows for them either.

But, that doesn't mean I can't feel a little resentment and jealousy once in a while.

And the Bs start pouring in

Grades are starting to trickle in and I just broke my 4.0 from post-bacc classes. Sadness. I've been preparing myself for this for the past week so I'm not too upset about it, but I didn't expect a solid B in biochem. I had a pretty decent chance at the A, so I must've really bombed the final to drop myself all the way down to a B, even though I thought I had totally killed it. Oh well, nothing I can do about it now.

Since I'm pretty convinced I got the B in physio (grades aren't up yet so no proof), my post-bacc is going to go down to 3.88, which is dangerously close to not having a 3.8+ post-bacc GPA. And apparently that's the ultimate goal.

With Biochem II grading being harder and more intense than Biochem I, I'm kind of worried I will drop below that threshold. Ay, the stress!

But, what I have learned this semester is to keep up with the work and not leave it to the last minute. Duh, right? But I've managed to get by every other semester, and this time just bit me in the butt. So lesson learned.

Only way to go is up!

Edit: I caved and looked to see the breakdown of finals for all my classes. I managed to squeak by with an A in physiology (!), and did indeed bomb the biochem final (a whopping 68%). I have no idea how I did so poorly in biochem, as I came out of that exam feeling awesome. But since I know I studied my butt off and felt like I couldn't study any more than I already had, I'm ok with the B because I gave it my all. If I had gotten a B in physio or bio, I would've been pissed because the only reason for that grade would've been burnout and complete laziness. So although I'm still mourning the loss of my 4.0, I'm totally okay with it and will probably sleep better tonight knowing all my grades from this semester are finally decided.

Obsessing over grades, and BROOMBALL!

The semester comes to an end tomorrow and I can't wait for that to happen! It's been a really long few months and I definitely feel like I've taken on too much. I don't know if that's because I didn't really have a summer due to organic chemistry or just the sheer number of credits and hours in class is wearing on me, but I am beyond burned out.

And I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm about to lose my 4.0, which is oh so very sad. I have 31 credits of straight As, and I'll be very bummed to see that go because I was too tired and unwilling to put in the time and effort to go for that A. And time and effort are precisely the reasons I would not be getting an A. I've been slacking all week instead of studying and I'm kind of upset with myself for that.

The dates for the actual final exams are Wednesday and Thursday (instead of today and tomorrow), but I had to push them up because of my knee surgery. So that's also kind of wearing on me, because maybe if I had those extra two days, I would've done better. But I know myself well enough that I would just be procrastinating for two days instead of studying and would find myself in the same position as I am now, with the only difference being knee surgery pushed back to January, which would also suck.

I still have a pretty good chance of pulling it off, but I've given up I think, and have come to terms with my not-so-perfect semester. In the grand scheme of my overall GPA (because that's how I think these days), a few A-, B+ grades won't change much in terms of getting into med school. But not having that perfect 4.0 is going to hurt just a little bit.

I shouldn't be giving up all hope, honestly. To get solid As, here is the breakdown of what I need on the final, and some notes.

Molecular bio
What I need: 80% for a 91% in the class, which should be enough for a solid A since the prof said he doesn't give - or +
How I think I did: I'm not sure if I got it. I took the final today and I'm not sure if I answered enough things correctly to get that 80%, honestly. There is only one question I should've known the answer to if I had studied harder that was worth four points, so hopefully that doesn't drop me in the B category, because I will be mad.

Physiology
What I need: 79% for 90% in the class, which is a solid A, and means that I can get 10 out of 50 wrong.
What are my chances? I'm worried. This class asks you to order stuff so if you get one thing wrong in the order, you get many points off on the test since it's multiple choice (last time I messed up 1 thing and got 6% off). Since she said the final is going to integrate the whole body, I'm kind of concerned because there's a lot of minutiae that are not staying in my head right now. I studied a decent amount for one of the tests (about as much studying as I'm doing now) and got 80% so clearly this is not a buffer. I should've started studying for this earlier, but I didn't anticipate my brain to stop working the night before the test. Oops.

Biochemistry
What I need: 94 points or 84% on the final for 85% in the class, which is going to be a solid A.
What are my chances? Not good. My other exam scores have been 91.5, 97, and 91.5, so getting this 94 is going to be hard. There are a going to be a lot of mechanisms that I just can't remember how to do, even though organic chem was only a couple months ago, and I can't keep the glycolysis and citric acid cycle substrates and products straight in my head. Actually, nothing is sticking right now, and both this and the physio exams are tomorrow. This is worrisome.

So that's the breakdown. Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be close to the cut-offs for all of my classes, I'm not going to look at the grade on my final exam, but instead wait til the final grades come out. This way, if I do get the B, I won't drive myself crazy thinking "what if". But if I do get the A, then I'm kind of curious to see the buffer with which I got it. Either way, checking grades is going to be nerve-wracking.

And now, back to studying, and hoping something will stay in my head for 24 more hours.

And by studying, I totally mean the season opener of my BROOMBALL! league. I'm so excited! Can't you tell?

Note: If you're wondering, I do have an Excel spreadsheet of all this, because I like to know how I'm doing and how well I have to do in the future. It helps calm my nerves around finals time (usually), but in situations like these it's kind of disconcerting.

Inexplicably at peace

My EMT final was last night and I only got 91.5% on it, which is not the 100% I needed. BUT, we have the opportunity to get 4% of extra credit just by showing up for the practicals of the other sections of the course, so I'll be skipping my last biochem lecture to get those points. And that will help me enough to get the A I so desperately need.

Overall, things are looking up over here for me. My vacation was pretty spectacular, even if I had to read my EMT book instead of a John Grisham novel with a margarita in hand. Either way, I got to sit on the beach and go snorkeling every day so it wasn't too shabby. I don't think all the studying helped considering my grade, but I don't know what I would've gotten if I hadn't studied so I'm not too upset about having my nose in my EMT book all week.

Even though I don't really have a break until June 1st per se, I feel a lot more relaxed right now. I'm sitting under a heat blanket on my couch staring out the window at the beautiful snow-covered trees and life seems a lot less complicated than it really is.

It turns out that I do need knee surgery after-all and I scheduled it for mid-December (less than two weeks away), which just so happens to be the day of two of my finals and the day before my third final. A lot of begging and pleading later, I was able to have all three professors agree to let me take their finals early, so that's all settled. Ever since I decided on the surgery, my knee has hurt more so I don't know if all the pain is in my head or what, and that makes me question the need to actually go under the knife. I don't want to deal with all this if it's not necessary. On the other hand, the inside of my knee is still hurting after almost two months and that worries me that I tore something there as well, which would have to be fixed and would give me a 6 month recovery time instead of 4-6 weeks. And that would mean no broomball, no rugby, nada. And that would make me very sad.

But I've pushed those thoughts of worry out of my mind because there's nothing I can do about it until the surgeon goes in there and checks, so no need to think about it anymore. I mean, the reason I've finally decided to have surgery is because the unknown is bothering me, so this should answer all those questions.

Other than that, life is good. My finals are now a couple days earlier than they were originally, and I'm super behind on my job, but for some reason I'm not exactly worried. I have a lot to review each day, but it seems so manageable that I'm content instead of stressed.

It's amazing what a week on a Caribbean beach will do for your mind.

Update on my previous concerns

I'm currently sitting at the hospital, post hand appointment, killing some time before I have to catch the bus to the airport. My doctor's appointment went extremely well. The doc said that everything looks great on the MRI and so I have a really bad sprain.

He also mentioned that there's been some research with cadavers where they essentially throw arms at things to injure them the way I did (rotation of the wrist with the application of a large amount of force) and see what happens to the soft tissue. And my symptoms are identical to what they've found in the cadavers, which makes my injury super interesting to him. I then mumbled something stupid about it and we moved on.

My silence and lack of further questioning on this matter, though, may come in handy because it can be something I ask about WHEN I SHADOW HIM!!! Yup, you read that correctly. I asked the doc if I could shadow him sometime and he said he doesn't have a problem with it, but I would have to check with the hospital. We chatted and decided on me shadowing at his clinic in my laid-back town. He definitely said just the clinic, so I may have to edge my way into getting in on a surgery or two. We'll see about that. I'm really excited since hand surgery has intrigued me since I was in high school, and this seems like the perfect opportunity to see what it's really like.

As for the organic chem final. I got 100% on it. No biggie. All that stress for nothing.

Today has been awesome. Now I just need some sleep.

In denial

Summer session will end tomorrow. I have one more final to get through in the morning, and then I'm on my way to catch a flight to California for a much-needed vacation. But for some reason, I can't force myself to study. All week I've been in denial about this final and the one I had yesterday. I know I don't have everything memorized or learned as well as I'd like to. I definitely need to put in a lot more time than I have all week. And simply getting an A in the class is not going to be enough. I'm getting a letter of recommendation from this professor and he puts our rank in there. And I need glowing recommendations to have any hope of getting into medical school. Right now, I'm at the very, very top of the class, and I'd hate for my laziness to be the only thing that'll bring me down.

Yet, I still seem distracted. I'm too excited about this California trip and I'm also kind of stressing about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. You see, about six weeks ago I hurt my wrist pretty badly. I eventually went to see a hand specialist and he said it's probably just a really bad sprain based on the x-rays and the places my wrist was hurting. Ever since the injury, I've been going back and forth between thinking that's it's nothing and will heal slowly, and thoughts of something being torn and needing surgery.

I've scoured the internet, but there's really nothing on there that's helpful. I got an MRI yesterday and I'm going to see my guy again tomorrow to hear the results. At this point, I'm pretty convinced that it's just a sprain since it hasn't been hurting much since the MRI (and by that I mean, at all). And that's what makes me think all this pain is in my head. Like, when I convince myself I tore a ligament or cartilage, my wrist throbs all day. But when I think that it's all healed, I can function for the most part without my splint. I'm mostly concerned that I cried wolf, and got an MRI for no reason, and the hand surgeon was right a month ago when he said it's just a sprain, a bad one, but just a sprain nonetheless. I hate being "that girl" that insists on more imaging than is necessary. I just want this darn thing back to normal!

So yeah, those last two paragraphs are what has been going through my head on repeat all week instead of organic chemistry. And that's not good, since I am capable of doing really well on this final, if only I put some more hours into it today.

Oh, and this wrist injury has seriously made me consider going into ortho as a specialty. I've seen enough orthopedic surgeons in my lifetime that it's always been in the back of my mind, but hand surgery has always stuck out as one of the more interesting aspects of the specialty. Depending on how my appointment goes tomorrow (if it's my last one or if I have another follow-up), I think I'm going to ask my doctor if I can shadow him. The worst that can happen is he'll decline, and considering he had someone shadowing him during my first visit, I think he may be ok with it. Granted, that was a medical student and he may not have time for a lowly pre-med, but it really doesn't hurt to ask.

Lastly, here is a video of how I hurt my wrist. I'm the one coming down the middle screaming "Coming through!" While going down a slip-n-slide down a ski slope at full speed at a Tough Mudder event, I got my fingers caught in the tarp while my body kept going. Massive pain ensued.