Resentment

These last few weeks have been rough, school- and stress-wise. I have a lot to do and my future is riding on how I perform on these finals and the MCAT. As such, I've been physically and mentally holed up in my room or in the office trying to be productive so I can be awesome, while everyone around me seemingly doesn't have a care in the world.

Take Cinco de Mayo, for example. I had a biochemistry final at 7:30pm that night, so I was trying to cram in the last details of random mechanisms and regulatory pathways before the exam.

What were my neighbors doing?

This:

That is indeed a living room in the yard, complete with a showing of "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" on one TV and a Super Nintendo console with Super Mario on the other.

I, too, am in this photo taking a study break, but I just couldn't bring myself to enjoy the "holiday" as it should be celebrated. It's hard to have that kind of fun with an exam looming over my head in a couple of hours.

(Side note: What is it with finals/exams on major rugby holidays? An evening final on Cinco de Mayo and another evening exam on St. Patrick's Day? Blasphemy!)

I know that the path towards medicine isn't the easiest one to take and there will be plenty more times when I just can't live as carefree a life as the people around me. This was a major reason for dropping the pre-med thing in undergrad and pursuing a different career. But in going back to school for pre-med prerequisites, I realized I'd much rather work hard in medicine than work a little less hard at a job that doesn't ignite the same passion in me as medicine does. That was (and is) my choice and I think it's definitely the right one for me.

This also isn't to say that medicine is the only profession where one has to sacrifice some things for a successful career. My friends bust their butts during the week to make this sort of relaxing Saturday a possibility, and they are often out of town on weekends for work. So it's not all unicorns and rainbows for them either.

But, that doesn't mean I can't feel a little resentment and jealousy once in a while.

No pressure

This weekend a few friends from the summer camp I used to work at and I rented a condo in the mountains to have a few days away from the hustle and bustle of life. It was awesome! We lounged in the condo (I still can't ski because of my knee), did puzzles, played Settlers, and laughed our butts off.

I had an absolute blast, but as soon as I got back home I began thinking of all the MCAT studying I should have done this weekend and then I got sad. If I don't get into the local medical school, all these friends will no longer be a part of my life and that's depressing. And this thinking just exacerbates the problem I have with leaving my brother.

In short, I have so many reasons to stay here and that stresses me out because now, I have to get into this medical school! And to do that, I need to do really well on the MCAT. No pressure.

A collection of BROOMBALL! photos

There's so much medical school talk on this blog that I feel the need to add in some photos of my other passion: BROOMBALL!!! It's what gets me through the winter and it keeps me feeling young.

With the regular season wrapping up, it's time to post an assortment of photos from my teams. Yes, you read that right, it's plural.

Onesies.

Camouflage theme, complete with face paint.

A close-up of our awesome face-painting skillz.

Tooth fairies.

Face-off at center ice. That's our (male) captain on the left.

There is plenty more where this came from, so I'll keep adding when I need the study break. Stay young, people!

My happy place

Last night's theme: Onesies

We won. Not just at life.

Obsessing over grades, and BROOMBALL!

The semester comes to an end tomorrow and I can't wait for that to happen! It's been a really long few months and I definitely feel like I've taken on too much. I don't know if that's because I didn't really have a summer due to organic chemistry or just the sheer number of credits and hours in class is wearing on me, but I am beyond burned out.

And I think I've come to terms with the fact that I'm about to lose my 4.0, which is oh so very sad. I have 31 credits of straight As, and I'll be very bummed to see that go because I was too tired and unwilling to put in the time and effort to go for that A. And time and effort are precisely the reasons I would not be getting an A. I've been slacking all week instead of studying and I'm kind of upset with myself for that.

The dates for the actual final exams are Wednesday and Thursday (instead of today and tomorrow), but I had to push them up because of my knee surgery. So that's also kind of wearing on me, because maybe if I had those extra two days, I would've done better. But I know myself well enough that I would just be procrastinating for two days instead of studying and would find myself in the same position as I am now, with the only difference being knee surgery pushed back to January, which would also suck.

I still have a pretty good chance of pulling it off, but I've given up I think, and have come to terms with my not-so-perfect semester. In the grand scheme of my overall GPA (because that's how I think these days), a few A-, B+ grades won't change much in terms of getting into med school. But not having that perfect 4.0 is going to hurt just a little bit.

I shouldn't be giving up all hope, honestly. To get solid As, here is the breakdown of what I need on the final, and some notes.

Molecular bio
What I need: 80% for a 91% in the class, which should be enough for a solid A since the prof said he doesn't give - or +
How I think I did: I'm not sure if I got it. I took the final today and I'm not sure if I answered enough things correctly to get that 80%, honestly. There is only one question I should've known the answer to if I had studied harder that was worth four points, so hopefully that doesn't drop me in the B category, because I will be mad.

Physiology
What I need: 79% for 90% in the class, which is a solid A, and means that I can get 10 out of 50 wrong.
What are my chances? I'm worried. This class asks you to order stuff so if you get one thing wrong in the order, you get many points off on the test since it's multiple choice (last time I messed up 1 thing and got 6% off). Since she said the final is going to integrate the whole body, I'm kind of concerned because there's a lot of minutiae that are not staying in my head right now. I studied a decent amount for one of the tests (about as much studying as I'm doing now) and got 80% so clearly this is not a buffer. I should've started studying for this earlier, but I didn't anticipate my brain to stop working the night before the test. Oops.

Biochemistry
What I need: 94 points or 84% on the final for 85% in the class, which is going to be a solid A.
What are my chances? Not good. My other exam scores have been 91.5, 97, and 91.5, so getting this 94 is going to be hard. There are a going to be a lot of mechanisms that I just can't remember how to do, even though organic chem was only a couple months ago, and I can't keep the glycolysis and citric acid cycle substrates and products straight in my head. Actually, nothing is sticking right now, and both this and the physio exams are tomorrow. This is worrisome.

So that's the breakdown. Because I'm pretty sure I'm going to be close to the cut-offs for all of my classes, I'm not going to look at the grade on my final exam, but instead wait til the final grades come out. This way, if I do get the B, I won't drive myself crazy thinking "what if". But if I do get the A, then I'm kind of curious to see the buffer with which I got it. Either way, checking grades is going to be nerve-wracking.

And now, back to studying, and hoping something will stay in my head for 24 more hours.

And by studying, I totally mean the season opener of my BROOMBALL! league. I'm so excited! Can't you tell?

Note: If you're wondering, I do have an Excel spreadsheet of all this, because I like to know how I'm doing and how well I have to do in the future. It helps calm my nerves around finals time (usually), but in situations like these it's kind of disconcerting.