23

23. That's how many days straight I am working. No days off, no 24-hour consecutive periods where I'm not at hospital. Instead, I've switched from days to nights to days again and have been at the hospital every day for the last 23 days, working at least 13 hours during each of those shifts. I have no freaking idea how there are zero duty hour violations.*

I am, unsurprisingly, grumpy.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was actually doing something during this time. You know, the usual intern things like working up floor issues, doing discharges, closing when I'm in the OR. But unfortunately, I'm at a program that gives more responsibility to its medical students than interns. It's incredibly frustrating, especially since I already have an intern year under my belt so I don't need the "practice" of being efficient at floor tasks and other basics of doctoring.

Last week, I was in a 12-hour OR case. I can count on one hand how many sutures I threw at the end of the case before the attending took the needle driver from my hand because it was getting late and he wanted to speed things up. "Let me close up so we can get out of here at a reasonable hour," were his exact words. I wanted to punch him in the face right then and there.**

Maybe I have unreasonable expectations about my role on the team. At my first intern year, they handed you the pager and said, "Good luck! Call me if you need anything," as they signed out a 50 patient list and peaced out. Here, you have to text the senior every time you place an order, including melatonin. It's absolutely ridiculous and incredibly frustrating, especially since I've already done this once.

But at least at the end of this stretch, I'll have some vacation and quality time at the beach. So there's something to look forward to even if I have steam coming out of my ears right now.

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* Somehow this doesn't violate duty hours, which blows my mind.

** He had sent me out for a break 7 hours into the case, and I was so hangry at that point that instead of grabbing a quick food and bathroom break and being back in 15 minutes (like I had initially intended/a good intern would do), I grabbed food from across the street, plopped down on the grass outside the hospital, and soaked up some vitamin D. I had zero regrets or shame when I strolled back into the OR 45 minutes later. In retrospect, I feel even less shame now that I know that this case contributed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to my learning and my attending didn't even notice I was missing since by that point he was working under a microscope and I was watching unscrubbed on a monitor.

Supported

There is no way matching would've been possible without everyone's support, both from the medical community and outside of it.

I'm also so incredibly thankful for your anonymous comments, cheers, and prayers from afar. Despite not knowing most of you in real life, your virtual support has not gone unnoticed. Things have been pretty dark for me for the past few years, and your belief in me kept me going when all hope seemed to be lost. I truly appreciate you for sticking with me and offering your thoughts over the years.

I have been showered with more love and support these last few weeks (and even in the weeks leading up to Match Day) than I could've ever anticipated and there is no way I could ever repay it.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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As a sidenote:
I bought this mug last year when I was in a huge funk as a reminder to keep trying despite all the setbacks. (It also perfectly exemplifies my stubborn personality.). It never failed to put a smile on my face, even during the most stressful and hopeless times.

Now it's a reminder of what I have accomplished and how determined I can be when I set my mind to accomplish something. Story of my life. Now, not only does it bring me happiness, but also immense pride for accomplishing the seemingly impossible. Success is the sweetest revenge, as they say, and tea tastes so much better when coupled with that.

Third time's the charm!

I can't believe I didn't post this sooner, but the email I had been waiting for for years, finally arrived (more than two weeks ago now).

(I recognize the timing of this post may be a little suspect, but I assure you, this is no joke.)

It's taken a long time for it to sink in, but finally two weeks later, I think I've finally accepted that this is real. For the week or so after matching, I had to keep repeating to myself that I had matched. Seriously. I didn't think this was ever going to happen, so it was so surreal to have finally gotten in. Even now, though, it's still so strange to think that in 6 years time, I will be an orthopaedic surgeon.*

It's mostly strange to have an end goal, a finish line, a concrete timeline. I have lived in this migratory purgatory for so long, not knowing what the next year will bring and having to constantly move to keep chasing opportunities, that it's strange to have stability for the foreseeable future.

I'm going to be in one place for 5 years (!!!), with the same people who will be invested in training me and helping me become the best damn surgeon I can be.

Over the years, getting to do orthopaedic surgery had become this vague idea that I wasn't sure was actually going to happen, like this elusive thing that was always just out of reach. But now it's real, concrete, and so incredibly (but pleasantly) strange.

Oh, and I don't have to move. I matched at the program where I'm doing research. Woohoo!

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* I'm anticipating doing a 1-year fellowship, like the vast majority of orthopods these days, hence the extra year of training.

Denial

Tomorrow is Match Monday, the beginning of Match Week, round number 3 for me. Honestly, it feels like any other day and I've had to put it into my calendar otherwise I'd forget the big occasion.

This is in stark contrast to the first (or even second) Match Monday, when I had a countdown on my phone, was constantly thinking about it, and had to actively distract myself with other things.

This time around, I keep forgetting that it's so soon...as in, tomorrow.

I think part of it is due to being desensitized from the previous times I've had to go through this. None of the experiences have been positive, and have in fact been pretty traumatic. This process has become routine (apply, interview, wait) and the outcome will probably be the same, so the element of surprise has worn off.

I also can't believe it's already March because this year has been gone by so quickly! With every passing week, I have looked forward to the weekend where I could explore my new surroundings and enjoy having 2 days off each week that I could fill however I wanted (such a foreign concept to me, which is sad in its own way). The passage of time has been a pleasure and there hasn't been anything I've dreaded like I had in previous years. It's been a nice, positive change.

This whole process doesn't feel real, either, since I'm so far removed from the residency application process in that I'm not surrounded by people talking about it all the time, like I was as an MS4. It's a cloud that hangs over me constantly, but is rarely talked about since most of the people I work with don't understand the process and everyone else has bigger things to worry about. So it's odd that it's actually happening.

In short, I'm in super denial about the email I'm going to get in about 12 hours that will change everything or nothing, depending on how the cookie crumbles, as my boss put it.

Hopefully it'll be good news this time around. Fingers crossed.