Stressing out

I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those neurotic pre-meds during the application cycle but I've turned into an unrecognizable ball of stress. I'm riling myself up to the point of getting sick days before my next interview, and I absolutely NEVER get sick normally. I didn't even fall ill in the days leading up to the MCAT. And I stayed healthy while waiting to get my MCAT scores when I was pretty sure I had scored sub-30, which would have been the death of my chances to get into medical school this cycle.

Not hearing back from my dream school when I know a good chunk of others have already gotten in is the source of most of this stress. I know they will continue reviewing my file until March but if they didn't love me this time, what's going to change between now and then? I have nothing more to give.

It also doesn't help that at this point I thoroughly believe I bombed the interview. Every time I go over the answers I gave, the worse they seem to be. Or at least only the low points stick out in my mind right now. Maybe I should've smiled more throughout the day (I remember being exhausted), or channeled my enthusiasm towards "Why medicine?" instead of only perking up at the mention of broomball (and the prospect of an ethics question...I did get visibly excited when that came up). Or perhaps I should not have challenged my interviewer with an emphatic, "I know." But I really did know, and it seemed like the appropriate response at the time.

I like to worry and work myself up about things. Take this and this and this and this as examples, and I can provide many more. I used to be really good about letting things go but I feel like my admission into this school is still somewhat within my control. And that's why I just can't ignore the silence and simply wait for some form of communication from them. I feel like I need to DO something.

In addition to all that, not only do I REALLY want to get into this school, but it's also the only one at which I have a decent chance of getting into. I've only received two interview offers total this application season (thus far, of course, but it doesn't look like any more are coming along) and the other school is very hard to get into as an out-of-state applicant. So if I can't get into my local school, who else is going to take me? The thought of going through this again is absolutely sickening.

Honestly, I don't know what the point of this post is, besides maybe to vent. But writing this all out has helped me realize that I really need to chill out and enjoy this year off, because it'll be a while until I have this much free time again.

And in that respect, I really have taken preventative measures to minimize thinking about this process. I've blocked the friends who are also applying this cycle from my Facebook feed, I've cut myself off from SDN (again), and I've told my family not to mention medical school applications to me even just to inquire about how it's going. I'll update them if/when something changes.

The final step is finding a new hobby that will take an inordinate amount of time and has nothing to do with medicine whatsoever. Underwater basket-weaving, perhaps?