It's not over quite yet

I received an interview invitation recently, which was rather surprising since I thought my interview season was essentially over.

After getting accepted to School E last month, I had told myself that the only other interview invitations I would entertain would be ones from my local med school (former dream school) and maybe from schools located in a particular city.

As luck would have it, I got invited to interview at a school located in that city (City F). School F is not entirely in City F, but rather in a suburb located just outside of the city. For most people, this would be a drawback. But the past five years of living in a 'burb have taught me that I like the small town feel while having a big city close by. So this particular arrangement would work perfectly for me.

Other than that, School F isn't anything special. It's ranked at about the same level as School E and has a very similar curriculum. Additionally, the clinical and research opportunities between the two schools are comparable, meaning that the only thing differentiating it from School E is that it's located in an area I've wanted to live in for many years.

As you can tell, I'm not super duper excited about School F, but I can't bring myself to turn it down without seeing what it has to offer in person. I also really don't want to put on my interview face again. But, flights are cheap and if I were to get an interview at the local med school in the near future, this would serve as great practice to rock my (former) dream school interview, if I were to get one.

I guess I'm headed to the area that just recovered from the Polar Vortex. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I HATE winter. Hate.

I'm in!

I've been accepted to medical school!

As I opened my email to respond to yet another position on a waitlist (from the brain fart school, who didn't see that one coming?), I saw a new message in my inbox. I skipped the subject line and instead read the body of the text first. In all the mumbo jumbo of the first paragraph, it dawned on me that I'd been accepted to medical school.

I had a good feeling about this school since I had a fantastic interview and the post-interview acceptance statistics were in my favor (they take ~75% of the people they interview). But I was cautiously optimistic since I've been burned in the past, and I didn't expect to hear back so soon. So the email caught me off guard.

I was at my volunteer gig at the hospital at the time and I turned to the nurse sitting next to me and cautiously said, "I think I've just been accepted to medical school." I'm sure the confused look on my face wasn't convincing because she asked me to repeat myself. After-all, we had just been talking about the third waitlist I'd received the day before. I was still processing this acceptance so I think the nurses were more excited about this whole thing than I was.

I was simply relieved. I had always believed that I would get into medical school but so far no one that mattered (admissions committee members) had thought the same. So with the acceptance came relief: Relief that someone wanted me at their medical school and even more relief that this terrible process was finally over. As Gwyneth Paltrow said at the Oscars many years ago, "You like me. You really like me!"

Anywhos, I'm super stoked! Not only am I actually going to medical school, but this is also my top choice school (let's call it School E). The former dream school (local med school) has fallen from grace in recent months and was nearly definitively replaced by School E after my interview. Even brain fart school, which had been my top choice this cycle, was knocked down a couple of pegs after that interview. I was simply blown away by School E's program, its students, the city, the culture, everything.

So yeah, life is pretty epic right now.

Déjà vu

I received a decision from the first school at which I interviewed and...it's a hold.

It seems like it's the equivalent of what happened with the local med school last year in that I haven't been accepted but I'm also not rejected quite yet. From the language of the email, it appears like my application will be reviewed throughout the cycle and if I still haven't been accepted by April/May then I'll either be placed on the waitlist or rejected then.

While I appreciate this school having a bit more transparency than the local med school (it actually told me what's happening with my application instead of staying silent for five months), the results are the same. I'm left waiting without a clear decision one way or the other while this application season drags on.

Woopty doo.

Medical school culture

I have an interview coming up in the next few weeks and I'm slowly starting to prepare for it by looking into the school, its curriculum, and things like that. A lot of my friends from high school and college went to medical school all over the country so it's also good to have insider information on some of these schools.

I contacted a friend about the school for this upcoming interview, specifically asking her about the culture within the medical school class. Here is her response:

"Just a warning: med school in general is kinda malignant because everyone is competing against each other and I can't predict what your class will be like. My class was pretty gunner but the class below me was more friendly."

Yikes! This is the complete opposite of the universal "Everyone is awesome!" feeling I got from my first interview as well as the dream school.

Hopefully the reality isn't as bad as her experience.

Time to start freaking out

My dream school recently started sending out interview invitations. I clearly haven't gotten one yet, otherwise you would've heard about it. Naturally, I'm anxious.

Mostly, I just realized that this particular application is nearly identical to the one that got me waitlisted last cycle. The school's secondary didn't give the opportunity to explain what has changed since my last application and what I will be doing this year during the cycle, like most other schools have. So really, there's not that much new information.

If they didn't want me last year, why should they give me a chance this time around? Ay ay ay! I need to get away from this way of thinking otherwise I will drive myself crazy.

I should stick with my motto (Whatever will be, will be.) and make the best of whatever life throws at me, because I'm truly excited about the possibility of going to the medical school at which I've already interviewed.

Done with writing

I just submitted the last of my secondary applications. Technically it's the second-to-last one because the dream school hasn't released theirs yet. But as of now, I have nothing looming over my head with regards to writing. And it feels fantastic!

In a nutshell, I applied to 27 schools, received 26 secondaries, and submitted 21 of them*. The five secondaries I didn't submit were mostly too long when compared to my chances of being accepted to those schools. So I put them aside and eventually decided not to fill them out at all.

Now that I'm done, I'm somewhat considering adding more schools since at this point I've written a response to nearly every prompt that could be asked. I currently only have one interview invite, which makes me nervous, so I feel the need to cast my net even wider than I already have.

But I have to remind myself that 21 schools is plenty enough and I should focus on other things such as preparing for my interview and looking for another job. So that's what I'll do after I relax a bit this weekend.

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*This includes the dream school that I haven't received or submitted yet. But they don't screen and I'm filling it out, so it goes in the stats.

Why I didn't get accepted last cycle

A commenter asked today why I think I didn't get in last cycle so here is my very long-winded (as always) explanation.

I believe there are several reasons for my many rejections, in order of effect on my application:

1. Late submission of secondary essays
2. Bombing interviews
3. Low GPA, both cumulative and science
4. Insufficient activities (up for debate)

Late submission of secondary essays:
The most significant one is the first: my applications were complete very, very late. I was verified by AMCAS by the first week of August, which is actually still fine. However, I took my time submitting my secondary essays and that's what really cost me.

Most of them were submitted in mid-September, meaning my application wasn't complete until October or even November. By that point, many interview invitations had already been given out and I was competing with more applicants for fewer spots. Not good odds with my numbers.

Bombing interviews:
I did receive two interview invitations and both of them resulted in waitlist positions. These were the two schools at which I submitted my secondary applications relatively early (within two weeks of receipt of them and complete by mid- to late August). That supports my theory that as long as you submit before Labor Day, you have a decent chance of getting interview invitations.

As for why they resulted in waitlists, the reasons differ for each school. I bombed the first interview at which I actually had a very good chance of getting accepted had it gone well (2 in 1 odds). It was my first interview, I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, and I had a lot riding on it (it was and still is my dream school).

As a result, I was off my game. I expressed excitement at the wrong moments, such as when talking about my hobbies instead of describing my passion for medicine; some of my answers weren't phrased well and thus either weren't convincing or came off as naive; and I just didn't lay on enough charm.

I thought my second interview went really well, given the interviewers I was paired with. But the school doesn't take many out-of-state applicants as it is, had over-accepted people the year before (they had to give a few students incentives to defer for one year) and as a result accepted fewer people in general. Thus, it was a perfect storm for placing me on the waitlist.

Low GPA, both cumulative and science
Now onto my actual application. I didn't take school seriously as an undergraduate and my transcript reflects that. I literally have every grade my school offered, from A to F (including +s and -s), a W here and there, as well as a Pass for Pass/Fail courses. This resulted in sub-3.00 cumulative and science GPAs. Yeah, I did a number on my future during those four years.

I went back to school a couple of years ago to take pre-requisite classes since I had only completed a few of them in undergrad (thank God!) before dropping the pre-med thing back then. I managed to do a fair amount of GPA repair because I rocked them.

Unfortunately, I was a science major in undergrad but fortunately most of my major classes weren't classified as BCPM (Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Math) by AMCAS. This resulted in me being able to raise my science GPA nearly to 3.50.

My cumulative GPA remains at ~3.10, which is well below the 10th percentile at most schools. There is no amount of classes I can take to make my cumulative GPA competitive so I've stopped trying to raise it. Instead, I've applied mostly to schools that take a holistic approach to applicants and I hope they see past my immaturity from nearly a decade ago.

It also helps that I have a high MCAT score (36R) and have performed extremely well in upper-division biology and chemistry classes. It definitely eases the concerns of admissions committees about my ability to perform in medical school. So this may not be that big of a factor as long as a human lays eyes on my application.

Insufficient activities (up for debate)

This is where the answer isn't very clear-cut. I either have a really strong application or I shouldn't bother applying until I strengthen it. Depends on whom you ask.

Luckily, my committee letter writers are in the first boat otherwise I wouldn't have been offered any interviews last cycle. On the other hand, other well-respected people said they wouldn't have given me an interview even if I was the first application they saw. In their minds, my activities are too old, too impersonal, and I'm not productive enough with my spare time.

There is some merit to these concerns, especially now that I'm a reapplicant, so I'm fixing those areas in case I have to reapply yet again. I really hope it doesn't come to that but from some discussions with people, it's a legitimate concern.

My true feelings

I've been trying to remain cheery/not slip into depression about this cycle and my position on two waitlists, but this blind optimism is slowly slipping away. Also, enough people read this blog that I should say something about what's truly going on in my head instead of leaving you to wonder and read between the lines.

I'm pissed off.

That's the best emotion I can think of to describe my state of mind.

I'm so angry with myself for screwing up my dream school interview, which I'm convinced cost me an acceptance. I'm also mad that I took so long to send in my secondary applications last cycle, because if I had done them promptly then maybe I would've had a "practice" interview elsewhere prior to my dream school and I would've been better prepared. And then maybe, just maybe, I would be matriculating in August.

But mostly, I'm pissed off that I will be spending another full year wasting time and willing it to pass faster.* After all my applications are sent in, there is nothing for me to do but wait. And I hate waiting. I wait all day for my friends to finish work so I have human contact. I'm so tired of this kind of existence that I look forward to my weekly physical therapy (I hurt myself again), which in another life I would call physical torture.

So yeah, I'm angry.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike to dissipate some of my anger and/or channel it into physical suffering. At least that'll kill some time.

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*This is if I don't get another job in the near future, which is the worst case scenario. I'm looking but it's really hard to get a job these days, especially if you misspell your hypothetical future boss' name on the cover letter. Yup, I did that. It didn't help the feeling of anger, and was the inspiration for this blog post.

Another Hail Mary

After speaking with my pre-med advisor (Ms. E) about my dream school a couple of weeks ago, I was slightly discouraged about the impact of my love letters on my acceptance status at my dream school. This advisor is tight with the admissions committee so I trust her advice on this matter.

Ms. E pretty much said that although the dean of admissions had stated during my interview day to send the school updates, which was a departure from their policy from previous years, the admissions committee doesn't actually read them at all. That's straight from the only remaining admission's committee member's mouth (the rest of the committee has left for other jobs at this point). So I somewhat believe this.

Ms. E mentioned that it probably wouldn't hurt to write them something but if I didn't, then I wouldn't be shooting myself in the foot all that much. So I've held off on writing because I've been busy with finishing up my AMCAS application for the new cycle and pre-writing secondary essays. And honestly, I don't have that much more to say.

But then I realized that since the initial love letter in late March and a short email in early May, I haven't communicated with the school in a long time. Considering that they're taking people off the waitlist slowly as spots open up with most acceptances coming in June and the month being half-way over, I should let them know that I'm still very much interested.

So today I've been brainstorming like crazy and finishing up a Hail Mary letter of sorts to send out to my dream school by the end of the weekend. I honestly don't think it'll have any impact on my status but it will put my mind at ease. Well, kind of.

I shouldn't have sat on this for so long, much like I should have sent out my secondary applications and the initial love letter a lot sooner. Tardiness appears to be the theme for this application cycle. No bueno.

Cheering people's withdrawals

Throughout this application cycle, I've blocked all my friends who are applying to medical school from my Facebook feed. It would just frustrate me to hear about their progress while nothing was happening with me.

During a moment of Facebook weakness, I found out that one of the people with whom I did my post-baccalaureate had been accepted to my dream school and another awesome school elsewhere. Ever since my second waitlist decision came, I've been going to his profile to see which school he'd chosen. Today, he announced that he's matriculating at the other awesome school.

I threw my hands into the air and cheered. Literally.

While I'm happy that he's happy with his decision, I'm more stoked that he won't be attending my dream school. Now I need a few hundred more people to withdraw so they might actually take me off the waitlist.

AMCAS, Round 2

AMCAS (the medical school application) opened up on Wednesday and since I currently don't hold any acceptances to a medical school, I've begun filling it out to be ready to submit on June 4th as a reapplicant.

For the most part, it's so much easier than last time around. All the fields are pre-filled with last year's information, including my personal statement. I'm going to do some editing on that so it won't be identical, but it's kind of great that I don't have to add in any of my grades again. I'm old; I've attended a lot of schools and taken a fair amount of classes.

There are only two major differences between this year's application and last year's:

1. A more specific estimation of my parents' income growing up is required. Last year the upper cut-off was low enough so I didn't need to be specific because we were above it. But this year there are categories of income in increments of $25,000 that go up to half a million or something ridiculous like that. So the parents have had to go through their finances to figure out a good average since their salary varied widely from my birth to my adulthood.


2. The activities section now asks for total hours per activity instead of hours per week. For some things like clinical volunteering or shadowing, this method is preferable to give the admissions committee a good sum of hours. But for other activities like sports or jobs, it doesn't really work out because it's highly inaccurate to approximate 10 years of playing rugby.
   
   Also, the upper limit for total hours is 999 per activity so anything over 1000 cannot be entered accurately. I've started putting in the hours per week in the activity description if I haven't exhausted the character limit, which kind of makes up for that deficiency.

So that's that. The deadline for applicants from last cycle to decide on a single school and thus withdraw from all other schools they've been accepted to is quickly approaching (May 15th) so there should be "significant" waitlist movement in the coming weeks. And that means I can start getting anxious about checking my email really soon.

Since I wrote the really long "I love you" update letter to my dream school at the end of March, I'm going to go for a simple "Remember that I still love you" email this time around. If I still don't hear anything by early/mid-June, I'll send them another love letter but right now I can't think of anything of substance to add to that letter. So it'll have to wait.

Also, I've started planning my summer as if I was matriculating in the fall, at least with my big trip that involves international air travel. I've been saying that I'd visit my family abroad (I'm foreign) for the past four years and each summer something has come up so that I haven't been able to make it. This year I've promised myself that nothing is going to get in the way of my visit so even though July is not the best time for them, it is the only guaranteed month I'll be able to go regardless of what happens with school.

Everything else summer-wise, like music festivals and races, can be booked/bought in June/July when I have a better idea of what the next year will bring for me. Overall, I've come to terms with having to wing most of my summer activities, which is not ideal but such is life.

Limbo is not conducive to life planning

I still don't know if I'll be attending medical school in the fall or if I will be reapplying and thus will have another year of relative freedom/little structure. While I've become accustomed to the waiting aspect of the application cycle, I'm still adjusting to having to hold off on making any concrete plans past mid-July.

I've always been a planner so the huge question mark where my future should be is mildly irritating. There are a few things coming up in late August through mid-September that I would really like to do. So although I know I'll be in the area for sure because I'll either be attending the local medical school or staying put to reapply, I have no idea if I'll have the time to do them due to a little time-sucking thing known as anatomy. And I can't imagine I'll be able to go out of town for a whole weekend in the midst of that block.

Mostly, I like to pay early bird prices for things and although it's not the end of the world that I have to wait a few months to figure out what I'll be doing in September, the added cost of indecision hurts my soul.

But more seriously, I can't give my boss concrete dates for when I'll be available for the deployment to Alaska this summer, which messes with his trip-planning and budgeting as well. I'm also going to visit my family across the pond in June/July/August (I'm foreign) so making any sort of camping plans with them and finding time between the deployment and a wedding to go over there is nearly impossible right now. Since they have kids and jobs and other vacation plans that don't include me, it'd be nice to give them some advance warning regarding my arrival.

Yes, these are all frivolous and trivial concerns compared to the big unknown regarding my future, but I've been trying to stop thinking about that and instead focus on the things that make me happy, which usually require planning and thus the problem of limbo.

I also have nothing to report medicine-wise since not much is happening in that department, so you get these kinds of posts instead.

Exciting non-medical school news

The dream school is still stringing me along like a bad relationship so I have no news on that front. I've been avoiding the school-specific thread on SDN until I hear back from them, which should be any day now, because reading other people's results just stresses me out and gives me no information on my particular application. And I don't really need any more stress in my life.

Instead of thinking about medical school admissions, I've been getting on with my life. I have a ridiculous amount of things planned between now and July and I'm getting pretty excited about what the next few months have to offer. I've become more serious about refereeing (my first big match is tomorrow...I'm terrified) and I've started to take care of myself by learning new recipes and getting outside more often.

But most excitingly, the group with which I work is planning a deployment to northern Alaska this summer and my boss recently asked me if I'd like to go because they could really use my help on-site. Prior to getting this invitation, I had planned on quitting my job before this expedition and enjoying the summer on my own terms if I was matriculating in the fall, or providing remote support from our home office if I had to reapply and keep the job for another year.

Obviously the first option was more appealing on so many levels, but the opportunity to go on this trip throws a very interesting wrench in the plans. A deployment to Alaska is not something I can just pass up, so regardless of my medical school situation it looks like I'll be spending at least part of the summer in a hangar above the Arctic Circle.

The only pseudo-problem with this trip is that the dates could overlap with my hypothetical medical school orientation and I would only be able to make it for two weeks or so before having to get back to the real world. But everything is still up in the air so there's no reason to worry about things I can't control. For all I know, the dates could work out in my favor and I will have stressed for nothing. Or I could not go at all.

So, as with most things lately, I'm cautiously optimistic about this deployment. But if I don't get into medical school this cycle, there is a very fun silver lining to spending another year reapplying. So there's that.

Dwindling chances

Another batch of people just got accepted to my dream school, with most of them having interviewed early in the cycle like I did (October/November) so I guess they're still sitting on a lot of applications. Prior to this group of acceptances, the school had only given out ~1/3 of the spots it would offer this cycle. I'm not sure how many were offered this past week but it seems like there's still a large chunk of people that will be accepted. At least that's the expectation. And hearing that people who interviewed early are still being reviewed and accepted gives me some hope, albeit very little of it.

I'm in this weird head space right now where I'm convinced that I will have to reapply next cycle but at the same time I can't believe that I won't get in. It's like one part of me is rooted in the reality of the situation but there's still the dreamer that's holding out hope.

Also, I've been feeling very down lately because I recently realized that nothing good has happened to me in well over a year. This is not to say that my life has been crappy, because it hasn't been like that for the most part. It's just that all the things I'd planned for myself as a reward/pleasure have backfired mightily and none of the things that have occurred spontaneously in my life have been good. So overall I'm situated at the negative end of the spectrum of happiness and it kind of sucks.

With this recent realization regarding my state of being, it's very hard to comprehend that good news will come to my door (or inbox) with regards to medical school admissions. If I do get accepted to the dream school, it'll be a very pleasant surprise because I'm setting myself up for epic failure.

If you set your expectations low, you'll never be disappointed. Or so they say.

Right now, life is good

I tend to write when I'm feeling extreme emotions and the bad has outweighed the good lately, which has been reflected in the tone of the blog. So with all these doom and gloom posts dominating for the past month or so, I figured one positive post was in order.

For a good 90% of the day, my life is pretty awesome*. I still work only part-time (at my request) so I have plenty of hours in the day to relax, read, and hang out. When I do work, I make a significant contribution to my team's current project and I can see the progress directly.

I've begun playing the guitar, learned to ride a unicycle, took a rugby refereeing course, and am currently participating in four sports leagues. I'm going home to visit my parents for ten days in February, after having spent over two weeks with them during the holidays. I can work remotely so I don't even use vacation days for this.

I also wasn't lying to my dream school interviewer when I said that volunteering at the hospital is the highlight of my week. With the extra time on my hands, I am able to pull longer shifts and come in more often, which makes me very happy. My charge nurse gives me a great deal of responsibility and the work I do is necessary, so I look forward to it every week and absolutely love my time there.

And although I don't do any real medicine at the moment, I can see myself in the physicians I "work" with and I am SO excited to be there one day. It's days like last Thursday that make me realize that I have made the absolutely correct decision to return to medicine and I am so incredibly thrilled to some day serve my patients in a more medical capacity.

All in all, I'm taking full advantage of the ridiculous amount of free time at my disposal because I know it won't be like this for much longer.

Like I said in the title, life is good right now.

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*The other 10% of my day is consumed by stress, whether it's dreaming about being rejected from my dream school, anxiously checking my email when I wake up in the morning, or wracking my brain about how I could've interviewed better as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Once I'm fully awake and in control of my emotions, I'm good and carefree. But as soon as I let my mind wander, all hell breaks loose up there.

Rejection scare

I have very realistic dreams to the point where I often have to ask other people if we've had certain conversations that I'm convinced occurred but my friends don't remember. Sometimes this works to my advantage in that I can practice an important speech or event while I'm sleeping and all parties involved react like they normally would, which gives me instant feedback on how I should interact in a given situation.

But sometimes things don't go my way and I wake up with a terrible feeling of dread, which is no way to start a day. Unfortunately, this happened early last week.

I very vividly dreamt that my dream school sent me a rejection email. Since I knew that this school sends out only acceptances and no other decisions until about March, I figured that I was dreaming and my mind was playing evil tricks on me. So I "woke myself up" from this nightmare only to "discover" that the email was still in my inbox. After a bit of "sitting on my bed with my head in my hands", I woke myself up for real and a sense of dread washed over me, which was eventually followed by relief upon realizing that this had simply been a terrible dream.

The whole thing was so realistic that it was scary. The process of checking my email and the program I use were identical to how this really unfolds on any given morning, and I felt all the feelings that I imagine I would feel if I were to get rejected (it could still happen, and if it does, I'll let you know if I'm correct in my prediction).

What got to me the most was one line towards the end of this fictitious letter that said, "Although we cannot offer you a spot in our class, you are a fantastic candidate and I am confident you will be accepted to one of your other top choices." (I had met with the admissions officer one-on-one earlier in my dream as a sort of favor and last-ditch effort by my pre-advisor who knew the adcom well, hence the personal nature of the rejection.)

I've heard similar words before. My pre-med committee called me "the ideal career changer" in my letter of recommendation and told me in no uncertain terms that they'd be shocked if I didn't get in this cycle. So it's not just in my head that I am a qualified applicant for medical school.

If I were to get rejected by my dream school, then there is no other school willing to take me at this point, contrary to what my fake adcom predicted. That's devastating, both in my dream world and in real life. And devastation was the feeling that was so painful when I first woke up...until I realized it had all been a horrible mind trick.

All in all, I know that there is no guarantee of getting accepted anywhere and I honestly didn't think I'd do too well this application cycle because of my poor grades in undergrad. But I expected more than the two paltry interviews I've received thus far, and most disconcertingly, no decisions this late in the cycle with no prospects of any other interviews coming my way. So although some might think I'm good (or at least good enough), clearly the people that matter don't think the same way. And that's discouraging but also incredibly humbling.

What's most infuriating about all this is that as much as I try to forget the fact that I'm applying to medical schools right now because it completely stresses me out, my subconscious just won't let it go.

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ETA: Ever since this initial dream, I've been having adcom dreams nearly every night. These are the first dreams I've had about medical school this entire cycle and I think it's because the deadline to worry, per my pre-med advisor, is quickly approaching. I'm fine at managing my stress level during the day, but apparently at night my will-power all but disappears.

Coming to terms with the possibility of reapplying

I've been really worried about the prospect of reapplying because I really don't want to wait another year to get started on my dream. I've already put it off long enough and I'm kind of over waiting for my life to begin.

But much like one eventually goes through the five stages of grief after a tragic event*, on my Things-Out-Of-My-Control Scale I have made it through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression to eventually arrive at not-giving-a-sh!t, or as others would call it, acceptance. (My way of dealing with stress directly mirrors the typical stages of grief and ever since I've figured this out, it's made managing my stress so much more...manageable.)

I've only received two interviews. The first one didn't go very well in my opinion and the second school has a very low out-of-state acceptance rate, even post-interview. So it's not looking good for me this cycle.

Before the holidays I paid a visit to my pre-med advisor (the one who's the most positive of the three because I needed a pick-me-up) to discuss my options for the coming year and how I should improve my application if I do have to reapply.

She boosted my ego by saying I have the "ideal career changer application" and thus there aren't any gaping holes to fix, and that my late secondary submissions are most likely to blame for my lack of interview invitations. She also said that there's a surge of interview invites in December and January so I shouldn't start worrying until February about hearing crickets from medical schools.

In addition, if I do end up reapplying, I learned that I don't have to completely revamp my application because schools understand that a good applicant can be rejected simply due to submitting secondaries late in the game, and such rejections do not necessarily indicate a red flag in the application. So overall, my themes and ideas can remain the same, but I just need to edit my essays a little more and add some things to my existing activity descriptions that I've done in the past year.

As such, reapplying is not as daunting of a task as I thought it would be with regards to essay-writing so that definitely helps my psyche. This also doesn't make it seem nearly as bad as I believed it would be when the thought first crossed my mind.

The one thing I am concerned about, though, is my dream school because I wasn't late in submitting my primary or secondary application there by any means. Thus I believe that the only reason I wouldn't get in would be because I bombed the interview. So maybe I should change up my application to make it stronger for them. Or I should simply pick a different topic for my secondary answer if/when I get a second chance. Or kicking butt on the interview the second time around if I do get such an opportunity would be enough to tip the scales in my favor.

I don't know at this point. I'm speculating too much on matters I have no idea about or control over and I should just stop for my own sanity.

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*I don't know why I've mentioned death/sad stuff so much in the past couple of posts. It's probably because I've spent too much time with my parents. Every time they ask me if I knew someone, it's a safe bet that the next thing out of their mouths will be, "They have cancer." Or, "They died." Just last week I found out that my dad's coworker was killed in a motorcycle accident. Morbid conversations run in the family.

Stressing out

I promised myself I wouldn't be one of those neurotic pre-meds during the application cycle but I've turned into an unrecognizable ball of stress. I'm riling myself up to the point of getting sick days before my next interview, and I absolutely NEVER get sick normally. I didn't even fall ill in the days leading up to the MCAT. And I stayed healthy while waiting to get my MCAT scores when I was pretty sure I had scored sub-30, which would have been the death of my chances to get into medical school this cycle.

Not hearing back from my dream school when I know a good chunk of others have already gotten in is the source of most of this stress. I know they will continue reviewing my file until March but if they didn't love me this time, what's going to change between now and then? I have nothing more to give.

It also doesn't help that at this point I thoroughly believe I bombed the interview. Every time I go over the answers I gave, the worse they seem to be. Or at least only the low points stick out in my mind right now. Maybe I should've smiled more throughout the day (I remember being exhausted), or channeled my enthusiasm towards "Why medicine?" instead of only perking up at the mention of broomball (and the prospect of an ethics question...I did get visibly excited when that came up). Or perhaps I should not have challenged my interviewer with an emphatic, "I know." But I really did know, and it seemed like the appropriate response at the time.

I like to worry and work myself up about things. Take this and this and this and this as examples, and I can provide many more. I used to be really good about letting things go but I feel like my admission into this school is still somewhat within my control. And that's why I just can't ignore the silence and simply wait for some form of communication from them. I feel like I need to DO something.

In addition to all that, not only do I REALLY want to get into this school, but it's also the only one at which I have a decent chance of getting into. I've only received two interview offers total this application season (thus far, of course, but it doesn't look like any more are coming along) and the other school is very hard to get into as an out-of-state applicant. So if I can't get into my local school, who else is going to take me? The thought of going through this again is absolutely sickening.

Honestly, I don't know what the point of this post is, besides maybe to vent. But writing this all out has helped me realize that I really need to chill out and enjoy this year off, because it'll be a while until I have this much free time again.

And in that respect, I really have taken preventative measures to minimize thinking about this process. I've blocked the friends who are also applying this cycle from my Facebook feed, I've cut myself off from SDN (again), and I've told my family not to mention medical school applications to me even just to inquire about how it's going. I'll update them if/when something changes.

The final step is finding a new hobby that will take an inordinate amount of time and has nothing to do with medicine whatsoever. Underwater basket-weaving, perhaps?

No news and interviews

Birthday week has come and gone and still no news. I'm sure you figured that out from my silence because I would've announced an admission to the world. I guess that post will have to wait for another day.

That's not to say I have an admissions post written by any means. I am not that ahead of myself. Right now I'm brainstorming a letter of intent to my dream school in case it comes to that.

Speaking of the dream school, I'm pretty sure the admissions committee met sometime last week because my status on their website changed during that time instead of directly after my interview like it normally does. I'm still not too concerned because few people get in during the first post-interview committee meeting or even the second, with most people hearing back in late February/early March. I really don't care when I hear back from them, although the sooner the better. I just hope I get in at some point this cycle.

Anywhos, for now I need to focus on my upcoming interview and get prepped for it like I was for the last one. I will let you know in vague detail how that one went when I get back from it.

Birthday week news?

I have this weird feeling (or is it a hope?) that I will get tremendously awesome news on my birthday this week. It's happened before with a job offer so I'm not completely going crazy, I swear.

The admissions committee for the school I interviewed with last month supposedly meets sometime in the next couple of days and not only do they email acceptances but the dean of admissions also calls each accepted student.

So my secret hope is that he realizes it's my birthday this week and waits to call me with great news on that particular day.

One can dream, right?