I've been trying to remain cheery/not slip into depression about this cycle and my position on two waitlists, but this blind optimism is slowly slipping away. Also, enough people read this blog that I should say something about what's truly going on in my head instead of leaving you to wonder and read between the lines.
I'm pissed off.
That's the best emotion I can think of to describe my state of mind.
I'm so angry with myself for screwing up my dream school interview, which I'm convinced cost me an acceptance. I'm also mad that I took so long to send in my secondary applications last cycle, because if I had done them promptly then maybe I would've had a "practice" interview elsewhere prior to my dream school and I would've been better prepared. And then maybe, just maybe, I would be matriculating in August.
But mostly, I'm pissed off that I will be spending another full year wasting time and willing it to pass faster.* After all my applications are sent in, there is nothing for me to do but wait. And I hate waiting. I wait all day for my friends to finish work so I have human contact. I'm so tired of this kind of existence that I look forward to my weekly physical therapy (I hurt myself again), which in another life I would call physical torture.
So yeah, I'm angry.
Now I'm going to go ride my bike to dissipate some of my anger and/or channel it into physical suffering. At least that'll kill some time.
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*This is if I don't get another job in the near future, which is the worst case scenario. I'm looking but it's really hard to get a job these days, especially if you misspell your hypothetical future boss' name on the cover letter. Yup, I did that. It didn't help the feeling of anger, and was the inspiration for this blog post.
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