The shame of reapplying

I read an article today about how to structure an application as a reapplicant and it pretty much negates everything I thought I should do.

I personally am ashamed of not getting accepted to medical school last cycle and having to reapply this year. I cringe every time I have to tell somebody that I didn't get in. So I thought it'd be best to pretend that chapter of my life didn't occur. By that I mean, there is no mention of me being a reapplicant anywhere in my application (well, except for the box I have to check saying I'm reapplying).

Apparently, though, sometimes reapplying is looked upon favorably by admissions committees. It shows you're resilient and persistent and really want to pursue medicine as a career. I don't know how that's not evident from the fact that I practically quit my job a couple of years ago, spent thousands of dollars and hours on pre-requisite courses, and kicked butt in my classes and on my MCAT. But I guess I have to put that in words instead of showing it through my activities.

I've already submitted my primary application so there is no changing my personal statement. It would've been the perfect concluding paragraph. However, I have a second chance at communicating my persistence and resilience in the form of secondary applications. I'm sure I can find a way to mention this in most prompts so I still have a chance to let schools know I'm better for going through that experience.

I'm just glad I stumbled upon that article before I submitted all my materials and not after. All is not lost quite yet.

My true feelings

I've been trying to remain cheery/not slip into depression about this cycle and my position on two waitlists, but this blind optimism is slowly slipping away. Also, enough people read this blog that I should say something about what's truly going on in my head instead of leaving you to wonder and read between the lines.

I'm pissed off.

That's the best emotion I can think of to describe my state of mind.

I'm so angry with myself for screwing up my dream school interview, which I'm convinced cost me an acceptance. I'm also mad that I took so long to send in my secondary applications last cycle, because if I had done them promptly then maybe I would've had a "practice" interview elsewhere prior to my dream school and I would've been better prepared. And then maybe, just maybe, I would be matriculating in August.

But mostly, I'm pissed off that I will be spending another full year wasting time and willing it to pass faster.* After all my applications are sent in, there is nothing for me to do but wait. And I hate waiting. I wait all day for my friends to finish work so I have human contact. I'm so tired of this kind of existence that I look forward to my weekly physical therapy (I hurt myself again), which in another life I would call physical torture.

So yeah, I'm angry.

Now I'm going to go ride my bike to dissipate some of my anger and/or channel it into physical suffering. At least that'll kill some time.

---
*This is if I don't get another job in the near future, which is the worst case scenario. I'm looking but it's really hard to get a job these days, especially if you misspell your hypothetical future boss' name on the cover letter. Yup, I did that. It didn't help the feeling of anger, and was the inspiration for this blog post.

Another Hail Mary

After speaking with my pre-med advisor (Ms. E) about my dream school a couple of weeks ago, I was slightly discouraged about the impact of my love letters on my acceptance status at my dream school. This advisor is tight with the admissions committee so I trust her advice on this matter.

Ms. E pretty much said that although the dean of admissions had stated during my interview day to send the school updates, which was a departure from their policy from previous years, the admissions committee doesn't actually read them at all. That's straight from the only remaining admission's committee member's mouth (the rest of the committee has left for other jobs at this point). So I somewhat believe this.

Ms. E mentioned that it probably wouldn't hurt to write them something but if I didn't, then I wouldn't be shooting myself in the foot all that much. So I've held off on writing because I've been busy with finishing up my AMCAS application for the new cycle and pre-writing secondary essays. And honestly, I don't have that much more to say.

But then I realized that since the initial love letter in late March and a short email in early May, I haven't communicated with the school in a long time. Considering that they're taking people off the waitlist slowly as spots open up with most acceptances coming in June and the month being half-way over, I should let them know that I'm still very much interested.

So today I've been brainstorming like crazy and finishing up a Hail Mary letter of sorts to send out to my dream school by the end of the weekend. I honestly don't think it'll have any impact on my status but it will put my mind at ease. Well, kind of.

I shouldn't have sat on this for so long, much like I should have sent out my secondary applications and the initial love letter a lot sooner. Tardiness appears to be the theme for this application cycle. No bueno.

Submitted and excited

I just submitted my application to AMCAS for round 2 of trying to get into medical school and I'm kind of excited. I generally do much better with everything the second time around so I'm very hopeful that this will be the year*.

Also, I'm kind of annoyed and bored with my current city/state/region so the idea of possibly moving to another part of the country is incredibly thrilling. I'm kind of a nomad and get restless when I've spent a lot of time in one place, so five years here is plenty and I'm looking forward to going elsewhere.

It helps that I'm not entirely dreading writing more secondary essays or cover letters, so reapplying is not nearly as daunting as it was even a couple of months ago. Oh, what a difference a year of relaxation makes!

---
*This only applies if I don't get in off the waitlist, of course, for which my chances are slowly dwindling. In general, I no longer quite believe I will start medical school in August so I've really started thinking about what I will be doing for the next year instead. And I'm getting super excited about the possibilities.

Looking for other work

Since it's a very real possibility that I will have to spend another year applying to medical school, I've decided to be productive with my time and not "relax" like I did this past year. This has very little to do with my future application and/or bettering my resume, because I sincerely hope I don't have to go through this process three times. That would suck. Instead, it has everything to do with my sanity.

My current job is pretty awesome...on paper. I have ridiculous flexibility with my hours and the work is challenging enough for me. However, it has nothing to do with medicine and I spend most of my time alone, either on my laptop at home or in my dungeon of an office.

I call it a "dungeon" because it's in the basement of the chemical engineering building and my desk is separated from the deserted lab space by a cage door/wall combination. I don't even get a real wall.

It's kind of like this, except jankier, sans female model (that would mean there are other people down there), and from the 70s with many holes that have been fixed by soldering:

In other words, I can't imagine spending another year doing what I'm doing. I crave human interaction, which is part of the reason I'm returning to medicine, and I want to do something that will advance my future career even if I have to start as a research underling. The skills I'm learning now have very little application to any sort of medicine or medical research I may ever envision doing. Oh, and our funding got cut due to the sequestration, so I may not even have a job come September.

So I've been applying for other jobs, which means even more writing, and you know how much I love doing that. Cover letters are even worse than secondary essays, for the record. I also can't help but think that all this effort I'm putting into plans for next year (job and school applications) is for naught because I may still get in off the waitlist. All this writing for nothing...hopefully.

Mostly, I'm looking for something in clinical research (definitely not bench work) and there have been postings popping up here and there. It's actually fortuitous timing because most people that hold these jobs have applied to medical school and are going to be starting in mid-summer/early fall. So more positions should open up.

The only real downside to these clinical research jobs is that I'm looking at a 1-hour commute to work and another hour back since the nearest major medical center is that far way. Well, that and having a legitimate 9 to 5 that I can't leave for Happy Hour on a whim is a slight bummer, since it's a situation I haven't had in a while (I've been fortunate with my job choices).

There would be some things to give up but I think if the position was a good fit, it would totally be worth it. I would have to make sure that I'd be participating in real research at least part of the time instead of just answering phones and coordinating emails, because that's the kind of job I currently have and I'm not willing to give that up quite yet. So that would be something I'd have to ask during my interview, if I were to get one. If it turns out to be more office work than research, then I'd stick with my current job, keep looking for others, and pick up a shift or two as a medical scribe to give myself something to do during the day.

Speaking of things to do, that's another problem with my life right now: I have no reason to get up in the morning. Like, there's nowhere I have to be and nothing I have to do. While this life is fun for a while, I can't deal with it for extended periods of time and I would love nothing more than having to be somewhere every weekday. I say that now, but a few months in, if I do get hired somewhere, I may be singing a completely different tune.