I've only been in class for a little over a week and I'm already over it. At first I thought my one week at camp and another at home would be enough to recuperate from a summer of organic chemistry. I now know that I need much longer vacations. Or at least more restful ones.
I don't know if it's just the classes that I'm taking are doing me in, or if honestly I'm just over school. Switching gears from chemistry to biology has been hard for me, since I'm a much better problem-solver than a memorizer and the latter is what this semester is going to be about. I don't think I'm going to enjoy my classes nearly as much as I liked general and organic chemistry, and that's been the major contributor to my being down.
Overall, It's weird to be back in class at a much slower pace as compared to summer classes. I only have two hours of lecture a day on average with no labs, and am out of school by 11 am at the latest. I don't have to study (or feel guilty about not studying) every day I get home, worrying about a monstrous test every week. We spent the entire first week of this semester going over the basics of biology and physiology, things you learn in middle school. The slow pace is nice but it's also boring me to tears. I know this will all change soon enough, but the fact that the one quiz I've already had to take has stressed me out more than I would like to be stressed doesn't bode well for the rest of the semester.
Now, when I don't want to study, I can't tell myself that I need to suck it up for another week or two and then it'll all be over like I could with organic chemistry, because the semester has just begun and the next break is in November. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to give myself a schedule that doesn't include a lot of lounging on the couch and eating take-out.
In short, I need a vacation. But since one isn't coming anytime soon, I need to get out of this funk.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Being a bad doctor, or so they say
This is going to be a loaded post, so stay with me if you can. I've also seriously debated posting this thing at all, but I've felt this way enough times in the past eight years that it's a valid feeling and shouldn't be ignored. So here it goes.
Every close friend I have ever spoken with has said that I would be a bad doctor. If they had the choice, they wouldn't come see me. Normally, I don't care what people think, but in this case, when I'm already questioning my decisions, this doesn't help things.
I put on a tough exterior, and I pretend to be a hardass when talking about children and puppies so I can kind of see the point. A lot of the time when I describe my day, I sound mean, intolerant, and grumpy. But I do care about people, and I'm actually really awesome with people of all ages. I can relate to almost anyone from any background. I grew up going from the developed United States during the year to essentially third world Eastern Europe during my summers, so I know how to adapt and deal with all kinds of people.
I have empathy, or can at least fake it, even if I complain about the stupid decisions my EMS patients make. I feel like my friends only hear the bad part of my job and thus my judgmental side, and don't see my interactions with the people I see.
But their harsh words have been worrying me. I used to be pre-med in undergrad. Even though I was so over school then, I still put in 12+ hours a week at the ambulance company and loved every minute of it. But running 911 calls got old eventually. And that's what scared me away from medicine. EMS became a dreadful job and not something I looked forward to every day. It was still exciting, but I didn't get the kind of thrill I used to experience even 6 months earlier. So I quit the medical track and decided that I could be happy without the years of schooling and sleep-loss and stress that medicine required.
I'm not in it for the adrenaline rush. I genuinely love fixing people's problems. It fulfills me and is absolutely amazing. But I'm worried that medicine will not be worth it in the end. Maybe I can satisfy my need to make people happy by putting on a good event, for example, or something that doesn't require as much education and years of training. I don't know, and that scares me a lot.
I still get jealous of all the stories my med school friends tell me. It's not the gnarly things they describe that pique my interest, but rather their ability to do something to the human body that makes it work correctly again. But will that wear off once I realize that most things are actually routine?
I shadowed a hand surgeon a couple days ago and it was an experience. It seemed like a lot of his patients had the same thing going on in one way or another. There was lots of carpel tunnel and fractures and pins. All in all, though, it didn't seem like he was stumped all that much. There weren't any real "a-ha!" moments and it all just seemed like an office job that he had gotten good at after working there for so long. Except, he's not that old, considering he had finished his hand fellowship about a year earlier. But if it's something you're passionate about, then it's not routine. And as another young doc I've spoken with recently said, "When you're responsible for someone's life, it doesn't get boring." There you have it.
Maybe the answer is doing a normal specialty with trauma on the side, to get some unpredictable things once in a while. But if my EMS experience is any indication, even emergencies become routine. And routine is not what I want after a decade of stressing, studying, and busting my butt to become a doctor.
At this point, I honestly don't know. Should I really go into medicine?
Every close friend I have ever spoken with has said that I would be a bad doctor. If they had the choice, they wouldn't come see me. Normally, I don't care what people think, but in this case, when I'm already questioning my decisions, this doesn't help things.
I put on a tough exterior, and I pretend to be a hardass when talking about children and puppies so I can kind of see the point. A lot of the time when I describe my day, I sound mean, intolerant, and grumpy. But I do care about people, and I'm actually really awesome with people of all ages. I can relate to almost anyone from any background. I grew up going from the developed United States during the year to essentially third world Eastern Europe during my summers, so I know how to adapt and deal with all kinds of people.
I have empathy, or can at least fake it, even if I complain about the stupid decisions my EMS patients make. I feel like my friends only hear the bad part of my job and thus my judgmental side, and don't see my interactions with the people I see.
But their harsh words have been worrying me. I used to be pre-med in undergrad. Even though I was so over school then, I still put in 12+ hours a week at the ambulance company and loved every minute of it. But running 911 calls got old eventually. And that's what scared me away from medicine. EMS became a dreadful job and not something I looked forward to every day. It was still exciting, but I didn't get the kind of thrill I used to experience even 6 months earlier. So I quit the medical track and decided that I could be happy without the years of schooling and sleep-loss and stress that medicine required.
I'm not in it for the adrenaline rush. I genuinely love fixing people's problems. It fulfills me and is absolutely amazing. But I'm worried that medicine will not be worth it in the end. Maybe I can satisfy my need to make people happy by putting on a good event, for example, or something that doesn't require as much education and years of training. I don't know, and that scares me a lot.
I still get jealous of all the stories my med school friends tell me. It's not the gnarly things they describe that pique my interest, but rather their ability to do something to the human body that makes it work correctly again. But will that wear off once I realize that most things are actually routine?
I shadowed a hand surgeon a couple days ago and it was an experience. It seemed like a lot of his patients had the same thing going on in one way or another. There was lots of carpel tunnel and fractures and pins. All in all, though, it didn't seem like he was stumped all that much. There weren't any real "a-ha!" moments and it all just seemed like an office job that he had gotten good at after working there for so long. Except, he's not that old, considering he had finished his hand fellowship about a year earlier. But if it's something you're passionate about, then it's not routine. And as another young doc I've spoken with recently said, "When you're responsible for someone's life, it doesn't get boring." There you have it.
Maybe the answer is doing a normal specialty with trauma on the side, to get some unpredictable things once in a while. But if my EMS experience is any indication, even emergencies become routine. And routine is not what I want after a decade of stressing, studying, and busting my butt to become a doctor.
At this point, I honestly don't know. Should I really go into medicine?
Monday, August 15, 2011
A well-deserved vacation, and next semester's schedule
Last night I got back from Catalina Island after a week of volunteering at a Boy Scout camp I used to work at during the summers. It was awesome and completely exhausting. I slept 11 hours last night and still had trouble rolling out of bed this morning. During my whole time there, I was kind of lamenting the fact that the week was moving along so slowly. But when I thought about it some more, I became really glad that the one week out there felt more like three, which would extend my measly two week vacation into feeling like I had at least four weeks off between school sessions. I really need as much time off as possible after that summer of organic chemistry with lab. It totally wiped me out!
As for next semester, I have some decisions to make and soon. I've been debating taking an EMT class in the fall so I can work as an ED tech prior to applying to med school, and while waiting to get in and matriculate. Also, since I want to go abroad at some point before I go to med school and do something meaningful during that time, I figured having some sort of medical certification and experience would be a good thing. And I terribly miss doing medicine.
BUT, all this would mean I'd essentially have to choose between EMT class and rugby in the fall. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to take the season off: my wrist is still not fully healed (argh!), I'm nowhere near rugby shape, and I don't want to drive to the next town over for EMT class when I can skip rugby and take it on the university campus a mile from my house. And if I decide to study for the January MCAT (that's still questionable), I'll actually have time to do that and have a life that would save my sanity.
So, the decision is made, and I just blew another grand on a class I've already taken and essentially shouldn't need to take again. If I had only realized I actually wanted to do medicine last May, I could've taken the EMT class over the summer and had something to do instead of mess around and wait for the fall to come around so I could start the pre-med thing. I could also go back to late 2009 and wish that I hadn't let my EMT cert expire thinking I was done with medicine forever. But all this anger with myself for wasting my money and time by making up for my past can really be traced back to undergrad. If I had done everything correctly back then, I would have started my residency a month ago instead of just now preparing for my MCAT.
But I love the path I've taken, and even though I often think that I should have done it differently, I know myself well enough to say that given the opportunity, I wouldn't have changed anything I've done in the past 8 years.
As for next semester, I have some decisions to make and soon. I've been debating taking an EMT class in the fall so I can work as an ED tech prior to applying to med school, and while waiting to get in and matriculate. Also, since I want to go abroad at some point before I go to med school and do something meaningful during that time, I figured having some sort of medical certification and experience would be a good thing. And I terribly miss doing medicine.
BUT, all this would mean I'd essentially have to choose between EMT class and rugby in the fall. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense to take the season off: my wrist is still not fully healed (argh!), I'm nowhere near rugby shape, and I don't want to drive to the next town over for EMT class when I can skip rugby and take it on the university campus a mile from my house. And if I decide to study for the January MCAT (that's still questionable), I'll actually have time to do that and have a life that would save my sanity.
So, the decision is made, and I just blew another grand on a class I've already taken and essentially shouldn't need to take again. If I had only realized I actually wanted to do medicine last May, I could've taken the EMT class over the summer and had something to do instead of mess around and wait for the fall to come around so I could start the pre-med thing. I could also go back to late 2009 and wish that I hadn't let my EMT cert expire thinking I was done with medicine forever. But all this anger with myself for wasting my money and time by making up for my past can really be traced back to undergrad. If I had done everything correctly back then, I would have started my residency a month ago instead of just now preparing for my MCAT.
But I love the path I've taken, and even though I often think that I should have done it differently, I know myself well enough to say that given the opportunity, I wouldn't have changed anything I've done in the past 8 years.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Update on my previous concerns
I'm currently sitting at the hospital, post hand appointment, killing some time before I have to catch the bus to the airport. My doctor's appointment went extremely well. The doc said that everything looks great on the MRI and so I have a really bad sprain.
He also mentioned that there's been some research with cadavers where they essentially throw arms at things to injure them the way I did (rotation of the wrist with the application of a large amount of force) and see what happens to the soft tissue. And my symptoms are identical to what they've found in the cadavers, which makes my injury super interesting to him. I then mumbled something stupid about it and we moved on.
My silence and lack of further questioning on this matter, though, may come in handy because it can be something I ask about WHEN I SHADOW HIM!!! Yup, you read that correctly. I asked the doc if I could shadow him sometime and he said he doesn't have a problem with it, but I would have to check with the hospital. We chatted and decided on me shadowing at his clinic in my laid-back town. He definitely said just the clinic, so I may have to edge my way into getting in on a surgery or two. We'll see about that. I'm really excited since hand surgery has intrigued me since I was in high school, and this seems like the perfect opportunity to see what it's really like.
As for the organic chem final. I got 100% on it. No biggie. All that stress for nothing.
Today has been awesome. Now I just need some sleep.
He also mentioned that there's been some research with cadavers where they essentially throw arms at things to injure them the way I did (rotation of the wrist with the application of a large amount of force) and see what happens to the soft tissue. And my symptoms are identical to what they've found in the cadavers, which makes my injury super interesting to him. I then mumbled something stupid about it and we moved on.
My silence and lack of further questioning on this matter, though, may come in handy because it can be something I ask about WHEN I SHADOW HIM!!! Yup, you read that correctly. I asked the doc if I could shadow him sometime and he said he doesn't have a problem with it, but I would have to check with the hospital. We chatted and decided on me shadowing at his clinic in my laid-back town. He definitely said just the clinic, so I may have to edge my way into getting in on a surgery or two. We'll see about that. I'm really excited since hand surgery has intrigued me since I was in high school, and this seems like the perfect opportunity to see what it's really like.
As for the organic chem final. I got 100% on it. No biggie. All that stress for nothing.
Today has been awesome. Now I just need some sleep.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
In denial
Summer session will end tomorrow. I have one more final to get through in the morning, and then I'm on my way to catch a flight to California for a much-needed vacation. But for some reason, I can't force myself to study. All week I've been in denial about this final and the one I had yesterday. I know I don't have everything memorized or learned as well as I'd like to. I definitely need to put in a lot more time than I have all week. And simply getting an A in the class is not going to be enough. I'm getting a letter of recommendation from this professor and he puts our rank in there. And I need glowing recommendations to have any hope of getting into medical school. Right now, I'm at the very, very top of the class, and I'd hate for my laziness to be the only thing that'll bring me down.
Yet, I still seem distracted. I'm too excited about this California trip and I'm also kind of stressing about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. You see, about six weeks ago I hurt my wrist pretty badly. I eventually went to see a hand specialist and he said it's probably just a really bad sprain based on the x-rays and the places my wrist was hurting. Ever since the injury, I've been going back and forth between thinking that's it's nothing and will heal slowly, and thoughts of something being torn and needing surgery.
I've scoured the internet, but there's really nothing on there that's helpful. I got an MRI yesterday and I'm going to see my guy again tomorrow to hear the results. At this point, I'm pretty convinced that it's just a sprain since it hasn't been hurting much since the MRI (and by that I mean, at all). And that's what makes me think all this pain is in my head. Like, when I convince myself I tore a ligament or cartilage, my wrist throbs all day. But when I think that it's all healed, I can function for the most part without my splint. I'm mostly concerned that I cried wolf, and got an MRI for no reason, and the hand surgeon was right a month ago when he said it's just a sprain, a bad one, but just a sprain nonetheless. I hate being "that girl" that insists on more imaging than is necessary. I just want this darn thing back to normal!
So yeah, those last two paragraphs are what has been going through my head on repeat all week instead of organic chemistry. And that's not good, since I am capable of doing really well on this final, if only I put some more hours into it today.
Oh, and this wrist injury has seriously made me consider going into ortho as a specialty. I've seen enough orthopedic surgeons in my lifetime that it's always been in the back of my mind, but hand surgery has always stuck out as one of the more interesting aspects of the specialty. Depending on how my appointment goes tomorrow (if it's my last one or if I have another follow-up), I think I'm going to ask my doctor if I can shadow him. The worst that can happen is he'll decline, and considering he had someone shadowing him during my first visit, I think he may be ok with it. Granted, that was a medical student and he may not have time for a lowly pre-med, but it really doesn't hurt to ask.
Lastly, here is a video of how I hurt my wrist. I'm the one coming down the middle screaming "Coming through!" While going down a slip-n-slide down a ski slope at full speed at a Tough Mudder event, I got my fingers caught in the tarp while my body kept going. Massive pain ensued.
Yet, I still seem distracted. I'm too excited about this California trip and I'm also kind of stressing about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. You see, about six weeks ago I hurt my wrist pretty badly. I eventually went to see a hand specialist and he said it's probably just a really bad sprain based on the x-rays and the places my wrist was hurting. Ever since the injury, I've been going back and forth between thinking that's it's nothing and will heal slowly, and thoughts of something being torn and needing surgery.
I've scoured the internet, but there's really nothing on there that's helpful. I got an MRI yesterday and I'm going to see my guy again tomorrow to hear the results. At this point, I'm pretty convinced that it's just a sprain since it hasn't been hurting much since the MRI (and by that I mean, at all). And that's what makes me think all this pain is in my head. Like, when I convince myself I tore a ligament or cartilage, my wrist throbs all day. But when I think that it's all healed, I can function for the most part without my splint. I'm mostly concerned that I cried wolf, and got an MRI for no reason, and the hand surgeon was right a month ago when he said it's just a sprain, a bad one, but just a sprain nonetheless. I hate being "that girl" that insists on more imaging than is necessary. I just want this darn thing back to normal!
So yeah, those last two paragraphs are what has been going through my head on repeat all week instead of organic chemistry. And that's not good, since I am capable of doing really well on this final, if only I put some more hours into it today.
Oh, and this wrist injury has seriously made me consider going into ortho as a specialty. I've seen enough orthopedic surgeons in my lifetime that it's always been in the back of my mind, but hand surgery has always stuck out as one of the more interesting aspects of the specialty. Depending on how my appointment goes tomorrow (if it's my last one or if I have another follow-up), I think I'm going to ask my doctor if I can shadow him. The worst that can happen is he'll decline, and considering he had someone shadowing him during my first visit, I think he may be ok with it. Granted, that was a medical student and he may not have time for a lowly pre-med, but it really doesn't hurt to ask.
Lastly, here is a video of how I hurt my wrist. I'm the one coming down the middle screaming "Coming through!" While going down a slip-n-slide down a ski slope at full speed at a Tough Mudder event, I got my fingers caught in the tarp while my body kept going. Massive pain ensued.
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