Hindsight and regret

Hindsight is 20/20 and I am really feeling the truth in that statement these days.

My second attempt at the match went the same as the first in that I'm unmatched yet again. Looking back on how the year went, I have so many regrets about my career course. I blame some of it on myself (not doing well on Step), but I also realize I got bad advice from my home program and I'm paying for it dearly these days.

Back when I didn't match the first time, everyone (EXCEPT for my ortho chairman) said I should take a research year rather than do the prelim year. But I stupidly listened to one person rather than the whole crowd and now I'm paying for it. I've found there are more research opportunities for medical students than graduates and now I'm hosed in finding a job for next year. By graduating, I also didn't get a chance to do more aways, which I really believe could've helped me get a spot in the match (I was soooooo close last year after kicking butt at one program).

In an ideal world, I should've taken a research position after MS3. I honestly don't know why I didn't do it. I think I reasoned that no amount of research was going to make up for my Step score so why delay graduation if it wasn't going to change anything? I immaturely wanted to graduate with my class and unfortunately that was a large part of why I kept pushing through. I was also worried that I wouldn't get a research spot due to my Step score, which was partly true, but I should've tried anyway.

In retrospect, that research year would've given me the advocate that I'm sorely lacking right now. I need someone to make phone calls for me, to believe in me, to help me get a job. But my home program is not responding to my messages and the ortho PD at my current prelim position thinks I should give up on ortho entirely because I will never match. So I'm all alone in this world facing a really steep mountain I can't climb on my own, with no one to help me unfortunately.

I need to stop thinking about the "what ifs" because it's not going to change anything besides make me sadder than I already am. But it's also really hard to move on when I know a couple of decisions could've changed my career trajectory dramatically.

Now instead of being excited about starting an ortho residency, I'm wondering what kind of job I'll have in three months (if I'll even have one) and what other specialty I can imagine myself doing because that is a real possibility at this point.

This sucks.