This is going to be a depressing post. I am kind of hesitant to post it because it's so darn personal (and whiny), but all of my feelings are directly related to my path to medical school and so I shouldn't be hiding the bad stuff and posting only thoughts through rose-colored glasses.
In short, I hate my life. And I don't see it improving between now and June 1st, when AMCAS applications are due. You can stop reading now if you'd like. The rest will be whiny fluff that has been summarized in the first sentence of this paragraph.
And now onto the details. I screwed around a lot in undergrad. My GPA shows it. And since I stupidly decided to go to medical school, that GPA needs a lot of repair. The best way to accomplish that is by getting straight As in all my post-bacc classes. Even with those As in 49 additional credits, my cumulative GPA will only rise to about 3.15 and my BCMP will be just under 3.5, both of which are quite pathetic for medical school admissions. And that's assuming I get straight As; no A-s no B+s, just As. I've been doing really well about that thus far without too much stress and effort. I mean, I always freak out towards the end of the semester because I make it hard on myself, but it's never been this bad where I seriously worry about getting Bs. (I know, this is pretty pathetic...complaining about Bs, but I've already gotten my share of alphabet soup in a previous life and now need to make up for the fun with the misery of studying for As, and worrying about getting them.)
At this point, I've given up on my classes, and so I'm afraid my grades will suffer terribly. I don't care to study, and just want to hibernate until June. I keep thinking that everything will turn out great but it's not like an A will fall into my lap. I have to do the work, but I have no desire to do anything.
I think I'm sinking into the depression I felt in college, where my entire existence is class and home. I don't really interact with anyone outside of lecture, and I think that's the biggest problem with my psyche right now. I know I need to do something about that, but I just don't know what I can do. Seriously. Rugby season is over (not like I had any time for that this season) and that's my biggest source of people contact. My job involves staring at a computer screen and meeting with my boss once a week for an hour, so no contact there. And so I've run out of options. I play broomball in the winter and that's incredibly fun and amazing, but my knee is messed up and may require surgery (I find out tomorrow), meaning I may be out for that as well.
Even my upcoming AWESOME vacation to Mexico is bringing me down. You see, four days after I get back from break, I have a final in my EMT class, which will cover about 1600 pages of text. One kid in my class calculated out that between now and the test, we'd have to read 3 chapters a day. And I really don't want to do that during vacation. By the tone of this email, you can tell I just need to relax and do nothing. But alas, that's not going to be an option.
Normally, I would say "f*** that", do nothing during that week, and deal with the consequences later (sort of like what I did this weekend, which isn't turning out too well in the long run). But this class is worth 10.5 credits and doesn't give any +/- grades, so I either get an A or a B, with 94% being the cut-off for the A. I can't afford to get a B in this. Not only would it look pathetic to have a B in a community college EMT class (yes, I judge), but more importantly, it would screw up my attempt at bringing up my undergrad GPA.
So the one thing I've REALLY been looking forward to this entire semester (and counting down the days to...literally) just got a little raincloud over it. Ugh.
And so, I really have nothing to be happy about until June. No joke. Because after this there are finals then MCAT studying, then back to the grind of classes and life. I was planning on taking an IV class in the spring, but that is a definite no-go.
I've also recently realized that if I don't get into the state college med school here, I have less than a year and a half to live in the same city as my brother. And all of the work we've put into establishing a relationship between each other will go down the drain. We're not close enough to chat on the phone quite yet, and I doubt we'll get there in the next 12 months or so. And that's even more pressure to do the best I can to get into the school here, because not only is it my dream school, but it's a way to continue to build the relationship my brother and I never had.
To try to rectify this situation of suckage, I set my alarm early to go on a ride tomorrow. That usually kicks the funk out of me, which I could really use right now but it's 11:30 pm and that's not really an option. So instead, I'm writing this whiny post online in hopes of being able to fall asleep tonight. And what gets me the most right now is that I've wasted the last 3 hours pouting, instead of sleeping or studying for the test I have yet to crack the notes on for Thursday.
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