I'm in a much better place right now for so many reasons, and it makes me sad seeing my state of mind less than a year ago.
Throughout that year, I told everyone that at baseline I'm not a bitter and angry person, that the circumstances and the year had turned me into that. This text (and any time I talk about that year) are consistent with that point because I'm doing just fine these days, while that text is seething with negative emotions. The only difference is that I've moved because my future is just as uncertain now as it was back then.
The short version is: last year was TERRIBLE. I still have PTSD from it* and have had to unfriend/block people from Facebook just so I'm not reminded of how awful it was.
As soon as I left the hospital on my last day, I felt free. I was headed to a better place, both physically and emotionally, and I couldn't be more excited. Despite the fact that my future was no more certain, at least I was leaving a situation that was destroying my mental health and was bringing me no closer to my ultimate career goal.
These days, I'm living the good life. I'm doing a research year in orthopaedics in a program that appreciates me with several attendings who said they'll do everything in their power to have me match. I'm cautiously optimistic that it'll work out, but I'm also realistic about my chances and don't truly believe that I'll get happy news in March. But at least my day-to-day is SO much better.
It's taken a while, but I've rediscovered the things that make me happy...and finally have time to do them! I've taken up hobbies I hadn't done in years. I have friends. I've taken road trips. I still work long hours, get up well before sunrise, and continually worry about what people think of me and what the future holds. But the work is interesting, everyone is kind, and I don't feel like the thorn in anyone's side.
It's been <6 months since I left my previous program, but it feels like a lifetime. I don't even recognize who I was back in June, although those scars are still there and will take some time to completely heal.
I am so grateful to have ended up here. I needed this year not only to get closer to matching ortho, but also to regroup and rediscover who I am. I had completely lost myself over the past couple of years, and felt like a shell of who I used to be. It's been slow going but I'm starting to get back to being me, and it feels so good!
In short, life is good today (and this entire year).
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* That's a post for another day, but it's coming.
I have been following your blog for several years now and have commented previously, as your journey as a medical student has closely followed my own. Last year I finally had a turn for the better, and I am mostly happy and content with where I am now. There is still room for progress and improvement, but that's part of life and I have come to terms with the fact that while things will never be perfect, sometimes it's what you learn along the journey that makes the struggle worth it. I'm not saying it was a good thing that you went through such as rough time at your previous program, but I do think that what you've learned (from reading that text from your post) made such as different in just the tone of your blog post now versus then! I may not know you in person, but just know that I am rooting for you and I am so happy to read that you are doing better in your life now, both personally and professionally. I hope things continue to look up, and no matter what happens in March I know you will continue to work hard, because it is clear through your passion for orthopaedics that it is the branch of medicine you are meant to be in.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this! I really appreciate your support from afar and your observations have always been spot on.
DeleteI'm also happy to hear that you have also had a turn for the better. A life in medicine is not for the faint of heart and it's definitely a marathon (so many cliches in that sentence...haha). I've learned that nothing will ever be perfect (despite what everyone projects), so it's a matter of finding our place in it and somehow staying sane. So I'm glad you're happy and content in where you've ended up.
Keep plugging along. I'm rooting for you, too!