I'm in a much better place right now for so many reasons, and it makes me sad seeing my state of mind less than a year ago.
Throughout that year, I told everyone that at baseline I'm not a bitter and angry person, that the circumstances and the year had turned me into that. This text (and any time I talk about that year) are consistent with that point because I'm doing just fine these days, while that text is seething with negative emotions. The only difference is that I've moved because my future is just as uncertain now as it was back then.
The short version is: last year was TERRIBLE. I still have PTSD from it* and have had to unfriend/block people from Facebook just so I'm not reminded of how awful it was.
As soon as I left the hospital on my last day, I felt free. I was headed to a better place, both physically and emotionally, and I couldn't be more excited. Despite the fact that my future was no more certain, at least I was leaving a situation that was destroying my mental health and was bringing me no closer to my ultimate career goal.
These days, I'm living the good life. I'm doing a research year in orthopaedics in a program that appreciates me with several attendings who said they'll do everything in their power to have me match. I'm cautiously optimistic that it'll work out, but I'm also realistic about my chances and don't truly believe that I'll get happy news in March. But at least my day-to-day is SO much better.
It's taken a while, but I've rediscovered the things that make me happy...and finally have time to do them! I've taken up hobbies I hadn't done in years. I have friends. I've taken road trips. I still work long hours, get up well before sunrise, and continually worry about what people think of me and what the future holds. But the work is interesting, everyone is kind, and I don't feel like the thorn in anyone's side.
It's been <6 months since I left my previous program, but it feels like a lifetime. I don't even recognize who I was back in June, although those scars are still there and will take some time to completely heal.
I am so grateful to have ended up here. I needed this year not only to get closer to matching ortho, but also to regroup and rediscover who I am. I had completely lost myself over the past couple of years, and felt like a shell of who I used to be. It's been slow going but I'm starting to get back to being me, and it feels so good!
In short, life is good today (and this entire year).
---
* That's a post for another day, but it's coming.
