Funk again

I feel like I start all posts the same way by saying things have been rough. I'm in the midst of orthopaedics interview invitations going out, and as expected, I'm coming up empty. I suspected this was going to be the case, but it's still very hard to see that I was right in my pessimism.

One of the programs that "ranked me very highly" last year and where I did an away last fall, sent out their invitations last week and I didn't get one. I wasn't very surprised because if they didn't want me last year, they probably weren't going to want me this year. But it was also my only other "real" shot at getting an interview this season and it's rough to know that now my options are even slimmer at matching ortho this year.

Additionally, my prelim home ortho program told me that it is "very unlikely" that I'll match with them, mostly because of my Step 1 score. I was hoping the programs that got to know me, either from aways or from this prelim, would be able to overlook my Step 1 and see that I'm a hard-working resident that gets along with everyone, because I knew my application would be screened out due to my scores. But it doesn't look to be the case and I'm really worried that I'll go unmatched again this year.

Somewhat understandably, I'm in an incredibly deep funk that I can't seem to get out of. I'm back to crying in inappropriate situations, such as at work, and shutting down to the point that I don't have the mental energy to do basic things such as clean, cook, or do laundry. I'm fully functional at the hospital and am surprisingly still kicking butt at my job (with a few teary exceptions), but that's about where my mental strength ends. Everyone keeps telling me to stay positive and keep my chin up, but it's really hard to be optimistic when I literally have ZERO interviews and thus no hope of doing what I'm passionate about.

What keeps me going is the fact that I'll be with my family in 8 days for vacation and it couldn't come at a more perfect time. I need the break from work, but more importantly, I need a hug. No matter what age I am, a hug from Mom makes everything better, even if only temporarily.