I'm on a particularly hard rotation where I work even longer than usual hours, am writing way too many notes, and am running around several different hospitals all day. Being an intern, I never get into the OR.
But today was different. My fellow was in a super duper long case so I stuck around late to sign out to him. I eventually met him in the OR, where the patient started bleeding profusely through his dressings as we were moving him off the table. I held pressure to stop the gushing while they re-intubated, re-set up the room, and all that jazz. Once everything was under control, I asked the fellow if I could scrub while they re-opened the patient. The words came so naturally out of my mouth that I couldn't stop them. It was a no-brainer, literally. I am soooo glad I did because it lifted my mood instantaneously.
With ERAS opening up last week, I have been pretty bummed the past few days and have struggled to keep it together at work. I should be excited about this application cycle but instead, all those feelings of sadness from March and April keep creeping in. I'm terrified I won't match again and will have to settle for something else. I also feel incredibly incompetent at my job and keep screwing up, which my fellows and attendings have no qualms about pointing out. So it's been a rough few weeks.
For 1 hour in the OR today, though, even though I was doing the usual retracting, suctioning, and bovie-ing (read, nothing exciting), I was so content and even happy (gasp!). It didn't matter that I left the hospital at 11 pm or that I still had notes to write or that I truly hate (almost) everything about this current rotation, including the types of cases they do. I walked out of the hospital with a smile on my face and pep in my step simply because I got to scrub.
That's how I know I want to be a surgeon.
